Surviving The Scars

Surviving The Scars

I had never considered myself a survivor but if I look back I have survived my whole life. I was molested by my step dad from the time I was 7yrs old till I told someone when I was 11, it was such a different time back then, I never received counseling and never spoke to anyone about it not even my mom it was not talked about in our house ever. I grew up very distrustful of men, till this day I tend to feel like I’m going to freak out if someone I don’t know simply touches my arm but I deal with it. When I was young I became a bit rebellious and my mom let my biological father come around and they would both say things like, that I was a liar and what I had said probably never happened because I was nothing but a piece of scum.

My teenage years were some of the loneliest years of my life. I turned to drugs to numb me of all of it, my drug was meth. My mom made it clear I was not welcome in her home I was 14yrs old so I was on the street. I would sleep where ever I could find a place, sometimes in an abandoned apartment or under some stairs at building to keep from getting wet from the rain. As I walked the streets I would see girls my age going to prom, going to school and I so wanted that for myself, I wanted to be normal I had felt abnormal and out of place almost my whole life, by then I was 16yrs old, I had been on the street for 2yrs. I had a friend who was much older than me and she took me home and helped me get clean which to me was amazing because she was a using as well.

The detox was horrendous I felt I was going to die! But I didn’t and I was determined to have a normal life it’s all I wanted. I went home and enrolled myself back in school and started taking ROP, I started beauty school. I had absolutely no support my moms boyfriend didn’t like my brother and I and let us know every chance he got but I didn’t care. I would an hour to school everyday as they both drove past me.

It was during this time a friend asked if she could fix me up. After a few months of fighting her off I finally agreed and went on a date w him. He was so nice and very different from anyone I had ever dated but then again I hadn’t dated much. Life at home was the same…awful and one day I had a huge fight w my mom and I moved out. I went to a friends house and my new beau came to see me. He said I could stay w him if I wanted to. I was flattered and very happy, I had never had anyone actually want me around so I went. I was very happy I was finally given a chance at a normal life so I did normal things, I cooked and cleaned, did laundry. Being 17 I didn’t see there was nothing normal about a man who didn’t want me to work or go to school. Soon his temper was starting to show, it was a bad temper and the first time he struck me I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t have anyone to call or anywhere to go but he apologized and to me that was big, no one had ever apologized for hurting me ever, to me it showed he loved me and I believed him when he said he would never do it again. It went on for many years even through my pregnancy w my son who is now 15yrs old.

At the time he was 1yr old when I had enough and decided to leave, it would be 1 of many times…he would threaten to kill himself sometimes and other times he would get in 1 last beating and would hunt me down and stalk me after to get me to come back, as stupid as it sounds I would go back. I know now it was because I saw his actions after as a sign of his love for me, something I had been searching for my whole life if only I could just fix his problem?. I finally realized I couldn’t fix him if he didn’t want to be fixed and I didn’t want to be beaten in front of my child because he would grow up thinking this was ok, that it was normal. I knew it wasn’t normal and all that normality I had searched for my whole life was up to me to attain, not for myself but for my child, I didn’t care if I had normality for myself but I didn’t want my child to miss out, my choices determined his future. I had survived being molested and I survived drug addiction and now I had to choose to survive domestic violence and I did.

I am married w 2 kids, my husband is a wonderful man and my kids have the normal life I so longed for as a young girl, I may not of been able to attain that for myself at that age but I have a normal life now as a grown woman. It’s never to late to move on from where you are to where your supposed to be and no one is supposed to be in a horrible place of hurt and pain. You are valuable to someone whether it’s your children, your parents, your brothers or sisters, those are the people who love you the way you should love yourself and if you have no one there people like myself who are willing to share our story in the hopes you will pick yourself up and keep from being a forgotten statistic 😉

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