Items tagged domestic violence

Four Tips To Survive COVID-19 Quarantine With My Abuser

Being confined for long periods of time can literally drive you crazy. We can all find ourselves being short-tempered, especially having to home school our own child(ren). In order for the general masses to ‘weather the storm’ many have become daily alcohol and recreational drug users. In addition, many service industry workers and others who are deemed “non-essential personnel” are not getting paid during these challenging times. Small business owners are taking loans, some government influenced loans as well; all in an effort to have livable wages due to the Coronavirus epidemic.

What COVID-19 has done is force an unprepared society into a quarantined incarceration. Imagine not only facing these challenges with a loving spouse, but with YOUR abuser! It is unfathomable some of the trauma some victims are currently facing. On top of it all, with no way to escape. So what does one do when this is their reality?

Here are Four Diva Tactics To Survive the COVID-19 Quarantine With An Abuser.

DANGER: One thing I can guarantee, intuition is a MF’er! Once your ‘Spidey Senses’ start to tingle announcing confrontation is arising, do your best to recognize the warning signs in order to respond in an expeditious manner.

DIFFUSE: Frustration can cause a sane person to become unhinged. If you recognize the warning signs of potential violence, change your tone, be encouraging and/or apologize; anything you can say or do to have a safe exit out of the room with an abuser.

DISTANCE: Once you have found a way to get away, do just that! Go in a room with a loved one. It keeps them distanced from the abuser as well. Great time to watch a Disney movie with a child or Netflix and Be Still.

DEFEND: If for any reason the first three steps do not work and abuse is imminent, it is time to defend yourself. Assess the threat level: Is there a weapon present? Where is/are the gun(s)? Who can I call? Am I the only one needing protection? Remember, anything can be a weapon! From soup cans to pots and pans; butcher knives to hot fries; electric stove coils to the razor on the aluminum foil. The number of weapons at your disposal are nearly infinite. If you have to fight back, don’t hesitate, you are worth fighting for.

Here are a few strikes you can use to escape or possibly save your life:

Defensive Stance: Stand with your legs shoulder with a part. Step straight back on your dominant leg with same distance between feet. Hold your open and relaxed hands eye-level about 8 to 12 inches from your face. Have your elbows in at your sides. Tilt your rear shoulder back to slim yourself to avoid being a wider target.

Hammer Fist: Make a fist by rolling your fingers from your fingertips into your palm. Once they are tucked nicely, lay your thumb on the bottom side of the exterior of your index finger. Ensure you are holding them tightly. Pound the nose, face or genitals with the pinky side of your fist. Scream ‘YA!’ with each strike to maintain proper breathing and acquire attention.

Knee: Grab the individual on their diagonal shoulder with both hands, pulling them down while driving your knee (toe pointed downward and knee straight forward) through their abdomen, grown or face.

#covid19 #coronavirus #domesticviolence #childabuse #victim #survivor #quarantine #noschool #lovemepainfree #SAAM #IAsk

What’s Going On With Your Teen?

Let’s admit it Mom and Dad, we barely know what our teens are doing. We attempt to do our best at raising them to avoid the same bad choices and negative experiences we faced growing up, but they have their own path to follow. On top of it all, they are our offspring; the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree after all.

Regardless of how much we create a safety bubble for our children, society finds a way to affect them… usually through entertainment.

Well, February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month! Even though we ingrain situational awareness, boundary setting, confidence building and the power of NO! to our teens; they can still be abused. I will say this, the numbers produced by the United States Department of Justice (USDOJ) states 1 in 4.5 teens in a relationship will experience some form of abuse. Abuse comes in many facets, not just physical!

Does your teen avoid past friendships because of a new relationship? Have they changed their wardrobe style to something completely different than ever before since entering a relationship? When it comes to self-esteem, is your teen feeling unattractive for the first time ever?

Also, January was Human Trafficking Awareness Month; so let’s not ignore the possibility of lack of situational awareness be a reason to lose our child to this $80 Billion industry.

Talk to your teen, have open dialogue and try your best to be nonjudgmental. You may be surprised what they are facing. Don’t let an attempt at self-harm or suicide be your wake-up call to be attentive to your teen. Pay attention to the warning signs and remember, IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOUR CHILD!

No One Would Help Me

Contributor: Misty Cuneo (Purple Chair Talk)

Is this your first time sharing your experience?

Yes

Have you been a victim of violence of any of the following?

Domestic Violence, Rape, Molestation, Sexual Assault, Assault & Battery, Sexual Harassment, Other

Did you know your assailant?

Yes

If so, how long before the experience?

11+ years

Did you report the experience?

Yes

Was the individual(s) convicted and sentenced?

No

Please share the details of your experience as you feel comfortable:

I’m the oldest in my family. I am the only child to both my mother and father. I grew up not knowing my birth father and was raised by my stepfather. I grew up witnessing Domestic Violence, Alcohol Abuse, etc in our home. I was extremely abused physically, verbally, mentally, emotionally and sexually.

My first time being molested I was about 7 or 8. The teenage neighbors would babysit. They would have me put my siblings down for a nap while I was allowed to hang out with them and their boyfriends/girlfriends. One morning while everyone was still sleeping, one of the baby sitters came over and took me down to our basement. He said he lost something down there. While I was helping him look he laid me down, climbed on top of me and began touching me through my panties. I’d seen him make out with his girlfriend and knew it wasn’t right to be doing it to me. Right about the time he pulled out his penis one of my parents called downstairs looking for me and he got scared and went home.

Later that afternoon while sitting on the porch, I was asked me if he touched me. I turned red and started crying. I was then asked if he put anything inside of me and I just looked horrified and was crying hysterically. It was then said to me, “well I guess I have to take you to the doctor to see if he popped your cherry because I’m not having any grandchildren”. I had no idea what they were talking about and I was never taken to the doctor or asked anything about it again. His sister start babysitting instead.

The second time I was molested I was 12. A family friend was living with us and my parents were out of town for a family emergency. While laying in my parents’ bed watching a scary movie I fell asleep. I was wearing a one-piece romper and woke to Him grabbing my breasts, pressing his penis up against me while trying to get my romper off. I threatened to call the neighbor and have her call my parents. I later found him trying to molest others in the family and threatened to tell on him.

When I was 16, I ran away from home for the hundredth or so time. I was sitting on a swing watching boys play basketball when I was approached by a girl coming home from school. She brought me home with her and fed me and let me shower. She introduced me to the boys which included her cousin and brother. Not only did I know where they lived, but I also knew where they worked and they would look out for me and protect me.

One night after they got off work, they came to check on me. While there, another man showed up who I thought was Satan. He was drunk and quite possibly high on something. He pressured the boys into drinking and every bit of my instincts told me to get out. There was only one door and he wouldn’t let me near it. I was staying in a 2 room concrete building and the second door was chained.

When I tried going to the door, he stood in front of me and blocked me. I’m not sure how it started, but he was telling the other guys no one was going anywhere until we had sex. They were drunk by this time also. As I tried to leave, he got more threatening and the three of them beat and raped me. I was a tiny girl but I was extremely tough and I fought like hell. I was thrown against the wall and held by my hands and feet while they pulled my pants down and climbed on top of me. One of the boys, when it was his turn, told me during penetration that he didn’t want to hurt me and that he really liked me. I begged him to stop and make the others stop and he said he was afraid the other man would come back if he didn’t. The man that started it all did nothing but hold me down and watch them rape me and once they were finished he left. The two boys I knew passed out cold on the concrete floor and woke up to me sitting on a bench in shock hysterically crying. I wrote a 5 page letter explaining what happened after being punished and accused of having sex. I was sent to a Psychiatrist without another word about it.

I left home at 17 and became a nanny for one of my friend’s neighbors. She was an alcoholic and drug addict. She used to have parties and orgies and would make me “Date” whichever of the men were interested in me at the time. I remember one man being twice my age and he would make me have sex even while I was bleeding. I bled so bad once during sex I thought he killed me. A couple of days later I had a miscarriage.

I left when I was 18, met a guy and married him out of pressure. I didn’t know at the time, I had Endometriosis and sex was the most painful thing I ever experienced. My husband didn’t care. I was told it was my wifely duty and I didn’t know any better, so I would lay there and cry. There were times I would be paralyzed and couldn’t move or speak due to all the trauma I experienced by then. I even tried committing suicide, but he found me and called an ambulance. I divorced him 2 years later.

Around 1995 or 96 I met a guy who lived around the corner from me. We started hanging out and I was renting a room in a house with other people. We were sitting outside talking and he went in my room to cool down or take a nap. I was fixing lunch and he called me into the room and told me I had to have sex with him.

I told him to go home and he jumped up and starting punching me and beating me. I got to the door and screamed for help. He then locked the door and started beating my head, body, and face with his shoe. I had been beaten my whole life along with witnessing violence in my home, so I never thought I would ever allow a man to put his hands on me like that. One thing I learned quickly… no one was going to help me.

I moved 9 times in one year and had him arrested I don’t know how many times. The people closest to me always told him where to find me. This went on for a year and a half. Once he beat me so bad with a wire hanger I looked like the Elephant Man. Again no one would protect me. I worked 2 jobs so I wouldn’t have to go home. I would get beat in the middle of the street if he wanted money or thought I was looking at someone or talking to them.

A few months after I left him, I ran into an ex I had dated a few years before. I had no clue at that time he was HIV Positive and none of the people that knew told me. Everything was great in the beginning and one day he snapped while we were in the car. Accusing me of flirting with his stepdad and threatening to kill us both while driving like a maniac before he put a gun to my head. I was held hostage in my car and my home.

He would take my car, stay out all night, come home in the morning to make me have sex with him and drop me off at work. Once we pulled into the parking lot of my job and as I went to get out he punched my head so hard it hit the window and took me home, raped me and dropped me back off at work. Again, no one would help me. This abuse went on for a year before my company moved me to another state. All of this happened to me by the time I was 30.

How has this experience impacted you and your relationship(s) with family, friends, co-workers, etc.?

I don’t know how to have a real relationship with anyone. I don’t allow people to get too close or personal. I keep everyone at arm’s length and have no problem walking away without a word. I’ve spent my life running and burying my pain because I was always told I wasn’t allowed to show emotion or feel anything. I lived my entire life feeling like I was never good enough, pretty enough, smart enough or worthy of love. This is what I was told by those that were there to protect me and whom I trusted.

I don’t allow myself to truly love and don’t have a clue as to what healthy love is. It’s made me put everyone’s needs before mine and I’ve spent my life in relationships with men I could control relatively. I was taught from a very young age that sex is all men want and all I have to give them. I suffer from PTSD and Complex Trauma.

Were you initially hesitant to come forward in sharing with us?

Yes

If so, what made you reconsider?

I want to do everything in my power to help others and let them know it’s not their fault.

If you could return to a time before the experience, what advice would you tell yourself and/or your parents?

I would tell my father to leave me in the orphanage and let me be adopted by the Doctor and his wife who wanted me.

What one piece of advice for women who have experienced violence or assault?

There is NOTHING you did or said to deserve ANYTHING that’s been done to you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! There is help and you are worth more than DIAMONDS AND GOLD!! YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THE LIES YOU WERE TOLD AND BELIEVE!!

Due to the sensitivity of the aforementioned, some names and recounts may have been amended to accommodate our vast audience. We respect each author’s strength and courage for being vulnerable, but caring enough to share and we are diligent in not altering the content of the message.

Choose Happy

Our daily lives are full of choices. The good, the bad, the happy, the sad; they are all of our choices. Therefore, I propose the time for you to Choose Happy!

Of course, this sounds much easier than it is. The understanding of the woes of life weighing heavy on our minds, make the idea of happiness seem impossible. One thing I can guarantee, there are billions who are equally or worse off than you.

In Rhonda Byrne’s, The Secret, she writes “Be grateful for what you have now. As you begin to think about all the things in your life you are grateful for, you will be amazed at the never-ending thoughts that come back to you of more things to be grateful for. You have to make a start, and then the law of attraction will receive those grateful thoughts and give you more just like them.”

Can you imagine if we could find peace and happiness with what we have than what we want? I challenge you, take a week and reflect on personal happiness. Say hello to the friend you stop talking to because of petty indifference. Volunteer some time to those less fortunate. Do a kind deed daily for a stranger.

There is a movie called “Yes Man” starring Jim Carrey; outside of hilarious, it gives a positive outlook on energy. The storyline is grounded in a guy who decided to say “yes” to everything for a year. In the year, he had a lifetime of adventures and challenges; but his outlook on life was changed forever.

Once again, take the time to be grateful for what you have and smile at the positives. You may have millions of choices in a lifetime, but you have only one life! Make your choices count, Choose Happy!

Mother’s Day… Everyday!

The day after Mother’s Day is usually a solemn one. For the celebrated mothers, it is a reminder of being back to the toils of normalcy. For those whose mothers have transitioned, the challenge of returning to work or school to hear about the ‘wonderful times with Mom’ can be excruciating.

Mothers, you are worth a daily celebration for all you do to ensure our happiness and upbringing. At times, I am often apologetic for my lackadaisical approach to showing appreciation to the matriarch of our family structure. I am blessed to have a spouse who can assist me with such a daunting feat. I can only empathize with single parents; imagining the task of raising children to be embraced by today’s society while educating them to be passionate, righteous and safe.

So this day, the day after Mother’s Day, I want to say thank you to all of the mothers of the World. Even though you too may be challenged with personal faults, you are still appreciated!

I have a special place in my heart for mothers who have to illustrate a false sense of happiness while covering wounds of depression and abuse to protect their children. Can you imagine facing a child or children who sense your pain and vulnerabilities after witnessing your abuse? The strength of Mom is immeasurable beyond belief.

Take a moment out of your day to show a mom, even if not your Mom, some appreciation for all she does. Something as simple as a phone call, a smile or words of encouragement can show a mother the love she deserves.

The Great “8” Spring Break Safety Tips

The Spring Break season is steadily approaching. This is the time where teens and family do lots of travelling. It is important for Spring Breakers to use caution and discretion when visiting different cities. Below are a list of tips provided to assist travelers to their vacation and back in the safest way possible.

Never leave valuables in plain view in your car. Lock items in your trunk before reaching your destination.
Before leaving your hotel, take a card from the front desk with the name of the hotel, phone number, and address, just in case you need help getting back. Also, put this information in your phone to be extra sure you have it.
All genuine taxis will have some sort of ID or badge. Check for this before accepting a ride.
If you ever feel unsafe, it is completely within your rights to abandon a taxi or any other ride service at a safe stop. Leave money behind on the seat and get out of there if you don’t feel safe.
Try to go the ATM in groups, but avoid getting overly complacent about safety just because you’re traveling in numbers.
When entering in your pin number, use your other hand or your body to cover the keypad. Just because you don’t see someone watching you doesn’t mean there couldn’t still be a camera capturing what you type.
When you check in at the front desk, use discretion in saying your room number out loud for anyone in the lobby to hear. No one outside of your group of friends needs to know your exact location.
Always keep an eye on your drink. If you go the bathroom, take your drink with you! Date rape drugs can be put into any drink, including non-alcoholic drinks. It is also important to remember that while drugs being slipped into drinks is something you should be aware of and guard against, alcohol itself is the most common date rape drug. In a 2007 study by the National Institute of Health, it was reported that 89% of female undergrad sexual assault survivors reported drinking before their assault. No survivor is to blame for their assault, but the links between alcohol and victimization are staggering and cannot be ignored.

Signs That You’re In An Abusive Relationship

Could you be in an abusive relationship and not know it? According to the Huffington Post, nearly 60 percent of all young women have experienced abuse. Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Noticing and acknowledging the signs of an abusive relationship is the first step to ending it. No one should live in fear of the person they love. If you recognize yourself or someone you know in the following warning signs and descriptions of abuse, reach out. There is help available.

The Divas In Defense Team wanted to take time out of our jolly – jolly holiday ask these questions:

Do you feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
Does your partner humiliate or yell at you?
Avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
Criticize you and put you down?
Feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
Treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
Believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
Ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
Wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
Blame you for their own abusive behavior?
Feel emotionally numb or helpless?
See you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Does your partner:
Have a bad and unpredictable temper?
Does your partner act excessively jealous and possessive?
Hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
Control where you go or what you do?
Threaten to take your children away or harm them?
Keep you from seeing your friends or family?
Threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
Limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
Force you to have sex?
Limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
Destroy your belongings?
Constantly check up on you?

Women don’t have to live in fear:
National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233

Male victims of abuse can call:
Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men & Women at 888-743-5754

For More Information:
Helpguide.org

“It’s On Us” To Stop Sexual Assault

Lately, it seems like every time I turn on any news station, there is another college fraternity being suspended for allegations of some type of sexual assault. Recently the University of Virginia has suspended all fraternities and parties associated with the fraternities following a Rolling Stone Magazine article that describes one student’s account of being gang raped and her annoyance with her school to hold her attackers responsible. President Teresa A. Sullivan wrote in a statement to the university community. “Rape is an abhorrent crime that has no place in the world, let alone on the campuses and grounds of our nation’s colleges and universities.

How can we, the female society, willing fill out applications to our dream schools and most of the social clubs are on suspension or investigation for sexual assault. I wanted to know, what are college administrations and our governments doing to protect us on campus from sexual assaults?

Well here is the answer. The Obama Administration launched “It’s On Us” Public Awareness Campaign this year. This campaign has been formulated:

• To RECOGNIZE that non-consensual sex is sexual assault.
• To IDENTIFY situations in which sexual assault may occur.
• To INTERVENE in situations where consent has not or cannot be given.
• To CREATE an environment in which sexual assault is unacceptable and survivors are supported.

“It’s On Us” I believe is a pledge that all schools and colleges can implement to make a big difference on how the female student body.

When a victim can have the support of her school and that her allegations will not go unheard, that is already a strong unified campus that I would want to be apart of.

While on winter break sign your Young Diva for Divas In Defense “On Her Own” Workshop December 20th, 2014:

Take the “Its On Us” Pledge Here:
http://itsonus.org/#pledge_open

“UVA Suspends Fraternities after Report on Gang Rape Allegations.” CNN. Ralph Ellis, 23 Nov. 2014. Web. 23 Nov. 2014

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Give A Potential Attacker the Finger!

“It’s like a blue light in the palm of your hand.”

With attacks on unsuspecting victims popping up left and right, it’s always boggled my mind that there hasn’t been a way to immediately and discreetly contact the police vs. calling 911 outright. The latter is a dead give away to any potential aggressor that you’ve called for help. With all the modern technology out there, I thought, why can’t people somehow TEXT 911?

While mobile phones have helped a lot of people escape dangerous situations that are detrimental to personal safety and well-being; smartphones have tried to take it to the next level. I’m not armed with data or analytical insight here but in general, smartphones have not been a radical addition to this security issue. There are apps which help you alert the cops and your friends when you are in danger. SafeTrek is one such app, a very ingenious one at that. SafeTrek promises to significantly enhance student safety by augmenting the infrequently-used “blue light” emergency phone systems on many college campuses.

SafeTrek is a security app for the iPhone and Android. It’s a very simple app which – when used and triggered – will alert the cops silently with a danger-alert tagged with your current location. When you feel unsafe, all you have to do is tap and release a button on the app. The Safe Trek system includes an app where students worried about their safety can hold down a large virtual button that causes the phone to vibrate and the screen to animate. If the user doesn’t input a private PIN within ten seconds, the local police dispatcher receives a web alert that tracks the student’s path on a map. The dispatcher and student can exchange text messages or speak directly until the situation is resolved

Many lives have been saved because of SafeTrek. Whether a user is walking down an alley late at night or hears a strange noise in his/her own home, SafeTrek offers a guarantee of security when the user might not be able to call the police on their own.

Designed to beat the time it takes to dial 911 and send your SOS message, SafeTrek started as a small project but has found some widespread success. The app works very simply:

If you feel unsafe – say, when you are out in the night or going through deserted streets with suspicious folks strolling around – open the app and press-and-hold on the Safe button.
• After you are out of the unsafe zone and are sure that you are safe, remove your finger from the button and enter a PIN to cancel the alarm system which will send a message to the authorities.
• In case you are in an emergency, all you do is remove the finger from the Safe button. In ten seconds, if you don’t do anything, the SOS will be sent and your location will be tracked/monitored constantly.
• You can cancel the alert in ten seconds.

Fire(harmless) Training

I recently went to the shooting range for the first time. While I’ve always been somewhat hesitant about firearms I must say it was an amazing experience. The feeling of pulling the trigger and hearing that subsequent “pop” is exhilerating. With the proper firearm training, a woman can protect herself in an instant. The news is always relaying a story about domestic violence against women. The statistics are astounding, and only seem to get worse and worse by the year. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, “One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.” That’s a 25 percent chance that you or someone you know will fall victim to the anger of a trusted person. Knowing this it’s important to not only learn basic self-defense techniques, but also educate yourself on the use of a gun. Remember that we offer firearms training at Divas In Defense with our Fire(Harmless) Gun Training course. Be sure to contact us and sign up today!

Tagged as: domestic violence