Items tagged domestic violence awareness

No One Would Help Me

Contributor: Misty Cuneo (Purple Chair Talk)

Is this your first time sharing your experience?

Yes

Have you been a victim of violence of any of the following?

Domestic Violence, Rape, Molestation, Sexual Assault, Assault & Battery, Sexual Harassment, Other

Did you know your assailant?

Yes

If so, how long before the experience?

11+ years

Did you report the experience?

Yes

Was the individual(s) convicted and sentenced?

No

Please share the details of your experience as you feel comfortable:

I’m the oldest in my family. I am the only child to both my mother and father. I grew up not knowing my birth father and was raised by my stepfather. I grew up witnessing Domestic Violence, Alcohol Abuse, etc in our home. I was extremely abused physically, verbally, mentally, emotionally and sexually.

My first time being molested I was about 7 or 8. The teenage neighbors would babysit. They would have me put my siblings down for a nap while I was allowed to hang out with them and their boyfriends/girlfriends. One morning while everyone was still sleeping, one of the baby sitters came over and took me down to our basement. He said he lost something down there. While I was helping him look he laid me down, climbed on top of me and began touching me through my panties. I’d seen him make out with his girlfriend and knew it wasn’t right to be doing it to me. Right about the time he pulled out his penis one of my parents called downstairs looking for me and he got scared and went home.

Later that afternoon while sitting on the porch, I was asked me if he touched me. I turned red and started crying. I was then asked if he put anything inside of me and I just looked horrified and was crying hysterically. It was then said to me, “well I guess I have to take you to the doctor to see if he popped your cherry because I’m not having any grandchildren”. I had no idea what they were talking about and I was never taken to the doctor or asked anything about it again. His sister start babysitting instead.

The second time I was molested I was 12. A family friend was living with us and my parents were out of town for a family emergency. While laying in my parents’ bed watching a scary movie I fell asleep. I was wearing a one-piece romper and woke to Him grabbing my breasts, pressing his penis up against me while trying to get my romper off. I threatened to call the neighbor and have her call my parents. I later found him trying to molest others in the family and threatened to tell on him.

When I was 16, I ran away from home for the hundredth or so time. I was sitting on a swing watching boys play basketball when I was approached by a girl coming home from school. She brought me home with her and fed me and let me shower. She introduced me to the boys which included her cousin and brother. Not only did I know where they lived, but I also knew where they worked and they would look out for me and protect me.

One night after they got off work, they came to check on me. While there, another man showed up who I thought was Satan. He was drunk and quite possibly high on something. He pressured the boys into drinking and every bit of my instincts told me to get out. There was only one door and he wouldn’t let me near it. I was staying in a 2 room concrete building and the second door was chained.

When I tried going to the door, he stood in front of me and blocked me. I’m not sure how it started, but he was telling the other guys no one was going anywhere until we had sex. They were drunk by this time also. As I tried to leave, he got more threatening and the three of them beat and raped me. I was a tiny girl but I was extremely tough and I fought like hell. I was thrown against the wall and held by my hands and feet while they pulled my pants down and climbed on top of me. One of the boys, when it was his turn, told me during penetration that he didn’t want to hurt me and that he really liked me. I begged him to stop and make the others stop and he said he was afraid the other man would come back if he didn’t. The man that started it all did nothing but hold me down and watch them rape me and once they were finished he left. The two boys I knew passed out cold on the concrete floor and woke up to me sitting on a bench in shock hysterically crying. I wrote a 5 page letter explaining what happened after being punished and accused of having sex. I was sent to a Psychiatrist without another word about it.

I left home at 17 and became a nanny for one of my friend’s neighbors. She was an alcoholic and drug addict. She used to have parties and orgies and would make me “Date” whichever of the men were interested in me at the time. I remember one man being twice my age and he would make me have sex even while I was bleeding. I bled so bad once during sex I thought he killed me. A couple of days later I had a miscarriage.

I left when I was 18, met a guy and married him out of pressure. I didn’t know at the time, I had Endometriosis and sex was the most painful thing I ever experienced. My husband didn’t care. I was told it was my wifely duty and I didn’t know any better, so I would lay there and cry. There were times I would be paralyzed and couldn’t move or speak due to all the trauma I experienced by then. I even tried committing suicide, but he found me and called an ambulance. I divorced him 2 years later.

Around 1995 or 96 I met a guy who lived around the corner from me. We started hanging out and I was renting a room in a house with other people. We were sitting outside talking and he went in my room to cool down or take a nap. I was fixing lunch and he called me into the room and told me I had to have sex with him.

I told him to go home and he jumped up and starting punching me and beating me. I got to the door and screamed for help. He then locked the door and started beating my head, body, and face with his shoe. I had been beaten my whole life along with witnessing violence in my home, so I never thought I would ever allow a man to put his hands on me like that. One thing I learned quickly… no one was going to help me.

I moved 9 times in one year and had him arrested I don’t know how many times. The people closest to me always told him where to find me. This went on for a year and a half. Once he beat me so bad with a wire hanger I looked like the Elephant Man. Again no one would protect me. I worked 2 jobs so I wouldn’t have to go home. I would get beat in the middle of the street if he wanted money or thought I was looking at someone or talking to them.

A few months after I left him, I ran into an ex I had dated a few years before. I had no clue at that time he was HIV Positive and none of the people that knew told me. Everything was great in the beginning and one day he snapped while we were in the car. Accusing me of flirting with his stepdad and threatening to kill us both while driving like a maniac before he put a gun to my head. I was held hostage in my car and my home.

He would take my car, stay out all night, come home in the morning to make me have sex with him and drop me off at work. Once we pulled into the parking lot of my job and as I went to get out he punched my head so hard it hit the window and took me home, raped me and dropped me back off at work. Again, no one would help me. This abuse went on for a year before my company moved me to another state. All of this happened to me by the time I was 30.

How has this experience impacted you and your relationship(s) with family, friends, co-workers, etc.?

I don’t know how to have a real relationship with anyone. I don’t allow people to get too close or personal. I keep everyone at arm’s length and have no problem walking away without a word. I’ve spent my life running and burying my pain because I was always told I wasn’t allowed to show emotion or feel anything. I lived my entire life feeling like I was never good enough, pretty enough, smart enough or worthy of love. This is what I was told by those that were there to protect me and whom I trusted.

I don’t allow myself to truly love and don’t have a clue as to what healthy love is. It’s made me put everyone’s needs before mine and I’ve spent my life in relationships with men I could control relatively. I was taught from a very young age that sex is all men want and all I have to give them. I suffer from PTSD and Complex Trauma.

Were you initially hesitant to come forward in sharing with us?

Yes

If so, what made you reconsider?

I want to do everything in my power to help others and let them know it’s not their fault.

If you could return to a time before the experience, what advice would you tell yourself and/or your parents?

I would tell my father to leave me in the orphanage and let me be adopted by the Doctor and his wife who wanted me.

What one piece of advice for women who have experienced violence or assault?

There is NOTHING you did or said to deserve ANYTHING that’s been done to you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! There is help and you are worth more than DIAMONDS AND GOLD!! YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THE LIES YOU WERE TOLD AND BELIEVE!!

Due to the sensitivity of the aforementioned, some names and recounts may have been amended to accommodate our vast audience. We respect each author’s strength and courage for being vulnerable, but caring enough to share and we are diligent in not altering the content of the message.

Choose Happy

Our daily lives are full of choices. The good, the bad, the happy, the sad; they are all of our choices. Therefore, I propose the time for you to Choose Happy!

Of course, this sounds much easier than it is. The understanding of the woes of life weighing heavy on our minds, make the idea of happiness seem impossible. One thing I can guarantee, there are billions who are equally or worse off than you.

In Rhonda Byrne’s, The Secret, she writes “Be grateful for what you have now. As you begin to think about all the things in your life you are grateful for, you will be amazed at the never-ending thoughts that come back to you of more things to be grateful for. You have to make a start, and then the law of attraction will receive those grateful thoughts and give you more just like them.”

Can you imagine if we could find peace and happiness with what we have than what we want? I challenge you, take a week and reflect on personal happiness. Say hello to the friend you stop talking to because of petty indifference. Volunteer some time to those less fortunate. Do a kind deed daily for a stranger.

There is a movie called “Yes Man” starring Jim Carrey; outside of hilarious, it gives a positive outlook on energy. The storyline is grounded in a guy who decided to say “yes” to everything for a year. In the year, he had a lifetime of adventures and challenges; but his outlook on life was changed forever.

Once again, take the time to be grateful for what you have and smile at the positives. You may have millions of choices in a lifetime, but you have only one life! Make your choices count, Choose Happy!

Mother’s Day… Everyday!

The day after Mother’s Day is usually a solemn one. For the celebrated mothers, it is a reminder of being back to the toils of normalcy. For those whose mothers have transitioned, the challenge of returning to work or school to hear about the ‘wonderful times with Mom’ can be excruciating.

Mothers, you are worth a daily celebration for all you do to ensure our happiness and upbringing. At times, I am often apologetic for my lackadaisical approach to showing appreciation to the matriarch of our family structure. I am blessed to have a spouse who can assist me with such a daunting feat. I can only empathize with single parents; imagining the task of raising children to be embraced by today’s society while educating them to be passionate, righteous and safe.

So this day, the day after Mother’s Day, I want to say thank you to all of the mothers of the World. Even though you too may be challenged with personal faults, you are still appreciated!

I have a special place in my heart for mothers who have to illustrate a false sense of happiness while covering wounds of depression and abuse to protect their children. Can you imagine facing a child or children who sense your pain and vulnerabilities after witnessing your abuse? The strength of Mom is immeasurable beyond belief.

Take a moment out of your day to show a mom, even if not your Mom, some appreciation for all she does. Something as simple as a phone call, a smile or words of encouragement can show a mother the love she deserves.

Stopping Toxic Masculinity

“Why we rape our women, do we hate our women? I think it’s time to kill for our women; time to heal our women, be real to our women.” – Tupac, Keep Ya Head Up

I have been challenging myself to develop preventive measures for young men in middle school to proactively educate them on stopping violence against women. As owner of Divas In Defense, I am proud to say we have trained tens of thousands of women Worldwide. From the high seas of the Tom Joyner Fantastic Voyage, to the hot desserts of Kuwait, the Divas In Defense training staff have worked diligently to empower women through self-defense. Yet, the feeling of incompletion weighs heavy on my heart. How can I, as a man, reach young men to prevent attacks?

Today, at the A CALL TO MEN: Engaging Men in the #MeToo Era sponsored by Uber and hosted at The Gathering Spot, myself and a few good men came together for this one special reason… including men in the fight to end violence against women (VAW). I mean, we have all been trained to respect women and don’t hit girls. Yet, we objectify them and are very misogynistic towards them and sometimes… we don’t even know it. It is time for men to be intentional when preventing VAW. There were some wonderful speakers and panelists including: Jennifer Bivins (Georgia Network to End Sexual Assault), Adrian Githuku (Uber), Tony Porter (A Call To Men), Lina Juarbe Botella (A Call To Men), Elisa Covarrubias (LiveSAFE Resources), Langston Walker (Georgia Network to End Sexual Assault), and Greg Loughlin (Men Stopping Violence).

“Stop Toxic Masculinity!”

This message resonated with me because I found myself guilty of toxic masculinity. Growing up in the inner city, men are led to believe anything which society deems as “girly” is unacceptable. Men are not to show emotion or ask for help. How idiotic is this? Without a proper outlet, emotions can erupt in anger. “The glue to the man box is homophobia.” – Tony Porter. Why are men afraid of being compared to women? Most men were raised by a strong woman, yet see women as weak and docile.

It is time to cultivate the inclusion of men! I have started with my sons, but this is not enough! I implore mothers to be transparent with past experiences when it comes to their sons. The reason for starting Divas In Defense was because my brother and I witnessed domestic violence in the household. I wish these sons would #AskYourMama about being victimized. It is so easy to dismiss violence against women unless it’s one you personally love.

My message to these young men begins with becoming certified in A Call To Men and the following pledge:

I will show and speak love to my sons and fellow men.
I will be a positive example to boys and men.
I will hold men accountable for their verbal and physical actions.
I will be proactive in educating men on the variety of abuse and protection of womanhood.
I will not allow the misogyny of women.
I will be comfortable with my vulnerabilities.
I will dedicate some of my time to mentoring young men.

#LoveMePainFree #AskYourMama #MyNamesNotBaby #DivasInDefense #MeToo #ACallToMen #Uber #TheGatheringSpot #MenStoppingViolence #GeorgiaNetworkToEndSexualAssault #StopVAW #SexualAssault #LiveSAFE

The Great “8” Spring Break Safety Tips

The Spring Break season is steadily approaching. This is the time where teens and family do lots of travelling. It is important for Spring Breakers to use caution and discretion when visiting different cities. Below are a list of tips provided to assist travelers to their vacation and back in the safest way possible.

Never leave valuables in plain view in your car. Lock items in your trunk before reaching your destination.
Before leaving your hotel, take a card from the front desk with the name of the hotel, phone number, and address, just in case you need help getting back. Also, put this information in your phone to be extra sure you have it.
All genuine taxis will have some sort of ID or badge. Check for this before accepting a ride.
If you ever feel unsafe, it is completely within your rights to abandon a taxi or any other ride service at a safe stop. Leave money behind on the seat and get out of there if you don’t feel safe.
Try to go the ATM in groups, but avoid getting overly complacent about safety just because you’re traveling in numbers.
When entering in your pin number, use your other hand or your body to cover the keypad. Just because you don’t see someone watching you doesn’t mean there couldn’t still be a camera capturing what you type.
When you check in at the front desk, use discretion in saying your room number out loud for anyone in the lobby to hear. No one outside of your group of friends needs to know your exact location.
Always keep an eye on your drink. If you go the bathroom, take your drink with you! Date rape drugs can be put into any drink, including non-alcoholic drinks. It is also important to remember that while drugs being slipped into drinks is something you should be aware of and guard against, alcohol itself is the most common date rape drug. In a 2007 study by the National Institute of Health, it was reported that 89% of female undergrad sexual assault survivors reported drinking before their assault. No survivor is to blame for their assault, but the links between alcohol and victimization are staggering and cannot be ignored.

The Invisible War

[We’re] giving survivors for the first time a voice in the military justice process

– Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel

The military reports that more women are willing to report sexual assaults. In a new anonymous survey, it is suggested victims are becoming far more willing to file complaints than in years past.

According to the Associated Press, 1 in every 4 victims filed a report this year, in sharp contrast to 2012, when only about 1 in every 10 military victims came forward.

Before the survey results were reported, The White House believed it would increase sexual abuse in the ranks and change a culture that forces victims to keep their mouths shut.

Now roughly 60 percent of women in the military said they experienced retaliation for reporting a sexual assault, according to the new report.

The Defense Department conducted their last anonymous report in 2012 and found about 26,000 services members said they had been the victim of unwanted sexual contact — a number that stunned officials and outraged lawmakers, triggering a barrage of congressional hearings and legislative changes.

The officials said there were nearly 6,000 victims of reported assaults in 2014, compared with just over 5,500 last year. The Pentagon changed its method of accounting for the assaults this year, and now each victim counts for one report. This year, that number dropped to about 19,000 — including about 10,500 men and 8,500 women — which officials said suggested that there was a trend of sexual assaults declining.

“It’s On Us” To Stop Sexual Assault

Lately, it seems like every time I turn on any news station, there is another college fraternity being suspended for allegations of some type of sexual assault. Recently the University of Virginia has suspended all fraternities and parties associated with the fraternities following a Rolling Stone Magazine article that describes one student’s account of being gang raped and her annoyance with her school to hold her attackers responsible. President Teresa A. Sullivan wrote in a statement to the university community. “Rape is an abhorrent crime that has no place in the world, let alone on the campuses and grounds of our nation’s colleges and universities.

How can we, the female society, willing fill out applications to our dream schools and most of the social clubs are on suspension or investigation for sexual assault. I wanted to know, what are college administrations and our governments doing to protect us on campus from sexual assaults?

Well here is the answer. The Obama Administration launched “It’s On Us” Public Awareness Campaign this year. This campaign has been formulated:

• To RECOGNIZE that non-consensual sex is sexual assault.
• To IDENTIFY situations in which sexual assault may occur.
• To INTERVENE in situations where consent has not or cannot be given.
• To CREATE an environment in which sexual assault is unacceptable and survivors are supported.

“It’s On Us” I believe is a pledge that all schools and colleges can implement to make a big difference on how the female student body.

When a victim can have the support of her school and that her allegations will not go unheard, that is already a strong unified campus that I would want to be apart of.

While on winter break sign your Young Diva for Divas In Defense “On Her Own” Workshop December 20th, 2014:

Take the “Its On Us” Pledge Here:
http://itsonus.org/#pledge_open

“UVA Suspends Fraternities after Report on Gang Rape Allegations.” CNN. Ralph Ellis, 23 Nov. 2014. Web. 23 Nov. 2014

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Give A Potential Attacker the Finger!

“It’s like a blue light in the palm of your hand.”

With attacks on unsuspecting victims popping up left and right, it’s always boggled my mind that there hasn’t been a way to immediately and discreetly contact the police vs. calling 911 outright. The latter is a dead give away to any potential aggressor that you’ve called for help. With all the modern technology out there, I thought, why can’t people somehow TEXT 911?

While mobile phones have helped a lot of people escape dangerous situations that are detrimental to personal safety and well-being; smartphones have tried to take it to the next level. I’m not armed with data or analytical insight here but in general, smartphones have not been a radical addition to this security issue. There are apps which help you alert the cops and your friends when you are in danger. SafeTrek is one such app, a very ingenious one at that. SafeTrek promises to significantly enhance student safety by augmenting the infrequently-used “blue light” emergency phone systems on many college campuses.

SafeTrek is a security app for the iPhone and Android. It’s a very simple app which – when used and triggered – will alert the cops silently with a danger-alert tagged with your current location. When you feel unsafe, all you have to do is tap and release a button on the app. The Safe Trek system includes an app where students worried about their safety can hold down a large virtual button that causes the phone to vibrate and the screen to animate. If the user doesn’t input a private PIN within ten seconds, the local police dispatcher receives a web alert that tracks the student’s path on a map. The dispatcher and student can exchange text messages or speak directly until the situation is resolved

Many lives have been saved because of SafeTrek. Whether a user is walking down an alley late at night or hears a strange noise in his/her own home, SafeTrek offers a guarantee of security when the user might not be able to call the police on their own.

Designed to beat the time it takes to dial 911 and send your SOS message, SafeTrek started as a small project but has found some widespread success. The app works very simply:

If you feel unsafe – say, when you are out in the night or going through deserted streets with suspicious folks strolling around – open the app and press-and-hold on the Safe button.
• After you are out of the unsafe zone and are sure that you are safe, remove your finger from the button and enter a PIN to cancel the alarm system which will send a message to the authorities.
• In case you are in an emergency, all you do is remove the finger from the Safe button. In ten seconds, if you don’t do anything, the SOS will be sent and your location will be tracked/monitored constantly.
• You can cancel the alert in ten seconds.

Domestic Violence by The #’s

—Honor Killing: In the Middle East and South Asia 20,0000 women lose their lives to honor killings. An Honor Killing is the belief of justifiable murder, because a family member has brought dishonor to the family name and image.

Pulled from the Domestic Violence Pintrest board, these various infographics show domestic violence in teen relations, domestic violence against women, and some startling facts regarding international mind-sets. The first infographic, A Dangerous Gap shows 34% of parents report verbal abuse relationships, while a whooping 62% of tweens report verbal abuse. Early this month, National Teen Dating Violence Month, Divas in Defense shared some blog post that could help parents identify the signs of abuse in teen relationships.

What do India, Ethiopia, Iraq, and Jordan all have in common? The majority of their female population believes it is okay for their husbands to physically assault them. This study was conducted with the help of Unicef. A glimpse at the infographic will show the majority of these countries or Middle Eastern countries and third world economies. No doubt religion, sparse economic activity, and overall patriarchal institutions all play a role to some varying degree.

Found on loveinfographics.com

Found on visualrights.tacticaltech.org

Found on blog.mapsofworld.com

Domestic Violence Awareness Month

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. This is a time for us to come together as a community to promote awareness of Domestic Violence. This is not a problem for one woman but for many women in our communities. Domestic Violence does not discriminate but affects every socioeconomic status and culture and is the leading cause of injury for women. Take this opportunity to stand up for those that have lost their lives in preventing Domestic Violence from happening to others. Here are a few ways that you can join the movement and take a stand.

1. Empower yourself. Empower yourself and your loved ones with the facts about Domestic Violence and how they can help. Click here for more information.

2. Participate in local Domestic Violence Awareness events. Check local listings for Domestic Violence Awareness events in your area and volunteer for these events.

3. Purple ribbon campaign. The purple ribbon is the recognized ribbon for Domestic Violence. Wear and distribute purple ribbons to friends, family and leaders in your community.

4. Purple Purse Campaign. Join AllState and YWCA Purple Purse Campaign.

5. Conduct a cell phone drive. Join Verizon by joining their HopeLine campaign. Donate your no longer used phone to a Verizon Wireless Store or through the mail. Click here to learn more.

6. Donate. Donate monetary gifts, gift cards or hygiene items to a local Domestic Violence shelters in your area. Many victims of domestic violence leave their homes without proper funding, hygiene and clothes for their family.

Tagged as: domestic violence awareness