domestic violence | Divas In Defense®

What’s Going On With Your Teen?

Let’s admit it Mom and Dad, we barely know what our teens are doing. We attempt to do our best at raising them to avoid the same bad choices and negative experiences we faced growing up, but they have their own path to follow. On top of it all, they are our offspring; the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree after all.

Regardless of how much we create a safety bubble for our children, society finds a way to affect them… usually through entertainment.

Well, February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month! Even though we ingrain situational awareness, boundary setting, confidence building and the power of NO! to our teens; they can still be abused. I will say this, the numbers produced by the United States Department of Justice (USDOJ) states 1 in 4.5 teens in a relationship will experience some form of abuse. Abuse comes in many facets, not just physical!

Does your teen avoid past friendships because of a new relationship? Have they changed their wardrobe style to something completely different than ever before since entering a relationship? When it comes to self-esteem, is your teen feeling unattractive for the first time ever?

Also, January was Human Trafficking Awareness Month; so let’s not ignore the possibility of lack of situational awareness be a reason to lose our child to this $80 Billion industry.

Talk to your teen, have open dialogue and try your best to be nonjudgmental. You may be surprised what they are facing. Don’t let an attempt at self-harm or suicide be your wake-up call to be attentive to your teen. Pay attention to the warning signs and remember, IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOUR CHILD!

8 Rideshare Safety Tips

With modern day commuting evolving into side businesses for the everyday person, it is imperative to follow a few safety guidelines when utilizing the services.

If it is night time, choose the less expensive ‘Share Your Ride’ option for the possibility of having another person in the car.
Confirm the make, model, color and license plate of the car.
Verify driver: ask the name of the driver. Do not ask, “Are you Bob?”
If you are the only passenger, ask the driver if you can sit in the front passenger seat. This is the only seat you can take control of car if need be.
If riding in the rear seat, never sit in the seat directly behind the driver.
In case you have to ride in the rear seat, confirm child lock and window lock are off. You may have to escape or exit the vehicle if in an accident.
Track your driver’s route through the app. It usually lets you know the route the driver is taking and if more passengers will be joining the ride.
Stay off the phone and pay attention as if you were riding with a stranger… because you are!

A college student got into a car she thought was her Uber, police say. She was found dead in a field: https://www.cnn.com/2019/03/30/us/south-carolina-missing-college-student/index.html

No One Would Help Me

Contributor: Misty Cuneo (Purple Chair Talk)

Is this your first time sharing your experience?

Yes

Have you been a victim of violence of any of the following?

Domestic Violence, Rape, Molestation, Sexual Assault, Assault & Battery, Sexual Harassment, Other

Did you know your assailant?

Yes

If so, how long before the experience?

11+ years

Did you report the experience?

Yes

Was the individual(s) convicted and sentenced?

No

Please share the details of your experience as you feel comfortable:

I’m the oldest in my family. I am the only child to both my mother and father. I grew up not knowing my birth father and was raised by my stepfather. I grew up witnessing Domestic Violence, Alcohol Abuse, etc in our home. I was extremely abused physically, verbally, mentally, emotionally and sexually.

My first time being molested I was about 7 or 8. The teenage neighbors would babysit. They would have me put my siblings down for a nap while I was allowed to hang out with them and their boyfriends/girlfriends. One morning while everyone was still sleeping, one of the baby sitters came over and took me down to our basement. He said he lost something down there. While I was helping him look he laid me down, climbed on top of me and began touching me through my panties. I’d seen him make out with his girlfriend and knew it wasn’t right to be doing it to me. Right about the time he pulled out his penis one of my parents called downstairs looking for me and he got scared and went home.

Later that afternoon while sitting on the porch, I was asked me if he touched me. I turned red and started crying. I was then asked if he put anything inside of me and I just looked horrified and was crying hysterically. It was then said to me, “well I guess I have to take you to the doctor to see if he popped your cherry because I’m not having any grandchildren”. I had no idea what they were talking about and I was never taken to the doctor or asked anything about it again. His sister start babysitting instead.

The second time I was molested I was 12. A family friend was living with us and my parents were out of town for a family emergency. While laying in my parents’ bed watching a scary movie I fell asleep. I was wearing a one-piece romper and woke to Him grabbing my breasts, pressing his penis up against me while trying to get my romper off. I threatened to call the neighbor and have her call my parents. I later found him trying to molest others in the family and threatened to tell on him.

When I was 16, I ran away from home for the hundredth or so time. I was sitting on a swing watching boys play basketball when I was approached by a girl coming home from school. She brought me home with her and fed me and let me shower. She introduced me to the boys which included her cousin and brother. Not only did I know where they lived, but I also knew where they worked and they would look out for me and protect me.

One night after they got off work, they came to check on me. While there, another man showed up who I thought was Satan. He was drunk and quite possibly high on something. He pressured the boys into drinking and every bit of my instincts told me to get out. There was only one door and he wouldn’t let me near it. I was staying in a 2 room concrete building and the second door was chained.

When I tried going to the door, he stood in front of me and blocked me. I’m not sure how it started, but he was telling the other guys no one was going anywhere until we had sex. They were drunk by this time also. As I tried to leave, he got more threatening and the three of them beat and raped me. I was a tiny girl but I was extremely tough and I fought like hell. I was thrown against the wall and held by my hands and feet while they pulled my pants down and climbed on top of me. One of the boys, when it was his turn, told me during penetration that he didn’t want to hurt me and that he really liked me. I begged him to stop and make the others stop and he said he was afraid the other man would come back if he didn’t. The man that started it all did nothing but hold me down and watch them rape me and once they were finished he left. The two boys I knew passed out cold on the concrete floor and woke up to me sitting on a bench in shock hysterically crying. I wrote a 5 page letter explaining what happened after being punished and accused of having sex. I was sent to a Psychiatrist without another word about it.

I left home at 17 and became a nanny for one of my friend’s neighbors. She was an alcoholic and drug addict. She used to have parties and orgies and would make me “Date” whichever of the men were interested in me at the time. I remember one man being twice my age and he would make me have sex even while I was bleeding. I bled so bad once during sex I thought he killed me. A couple of days later I had a miscarriage.

I left when I was 18, met a guy and married him out of pressure. I didn’t know at the time, I had Endometriosis and sex was the most painful thing I ever experienced. My husband didn’t care. I was told it was my wifely duty and I didn’t know any better, so I would lay there and cry. There were times I would be paralyzed and couldn’t move or speak due to all the trauma I experienced by then. I even tried committing suicide, but he found me and called an ambulance. I divorced him 2 years later.

Around 1995 or 96 I met a guy who lived around the corner from me. We started hanging out and I was renting a room in a house with other people. We were sitting outside talking and he went in my room to cool down or take a nap. I was fixing lunch and he called me into the room and told me I had to have sex with him.

I told him to go home and he jumped up and starting punching me and beating me. I got to the door and screamed for help. He then locked the door and started beating my head, body, and face with his shoe. I had been beaten my whole life along with witnessing violence in my home, so I never thought I would ever allow a man to put his hands on me like that. One thing I learned quickly… no one was going to help me.

I moved 9 times in one year and had him arrested I don’t know how many times. The people closest to me always told him where to find me. This went on for a year and a half. Once he beat me so bad with a wire hanger I looked like the Elephant Man. Again no one would protect me. I worked 2 jobs so I wouldn’t have to go home. I would get beat in the middle of the street if he wanted money or thought I was looking at someone or talking to them.

A few months after I left him, I ran into an ex I had dated a few years before. I had no clue at that time he was HIV Positive and none of the people that knew told me. Everything was great in the beginning and one day he snapped while we were in the car. Accusing me of flirting with his stepdad and threatening to kill us both while driving like a maniac before he put a gun to my head. I was held hostage in my car and my home.

He would take my car, stay out all night, come home in the morning to make me have sex with him and drop me off at work. Once we pulled into the parking lot of my job and as I went to get out he punched my head so hard it hit the window and took me home, raped me and dropped me back off at work. Again, no one would help me. This abuse went on for a year before my company moved me to another state. All of this happened to me by the time I was 30.

How has this experience impacted you and your relationship(s) with family, friends, co-workers, etc.?

I don’t know how to have a real relationship with anyone. I don’t allow people to get too close or personal. I keep everyone at arm’s length and have no problem walking away without a word. I’ve spent my life running and burying my pain because I was always told I wasn’t allowed to show emotion or feel anything. I lived my entire life feeling like I was never good enough, pretty enough, smart enough or worthy of love. This is what I was told by those that were there to protect me and whom I trusted.

I don’t allow myself to truly love and don’t have a clue as to what healthy love is. It’s made me put everyone’s needs before mine and I’ve spent my life in relationships with men I could control relatively. I was taught from a very young age that sex is all men want and all I have to give them. I suffer from PTSD and Complex Trauma.

Were you initially hesitant to come forward in sharing with us?

Yes

If so, what made you reconsider?

I want to do everything in my power to help others and let them know it’s not their fault.

If you could return to a time before the experience, what advice would you tell yourself and/or your parents?

I would tell my father to leave me in the orphanage and let me be adopted by the Doctor and his wife who wanted me.

What one piece of advice for women who have experienced violence or assault?

There is NOTHING you did or said to deserve ANYTHING that’s been done to you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! There is help and you are worth more than DIAMONDS AND GOLD!! YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THE LIES YOU WERE TOLD AND BELIEVE!!

Due to the sensitivity of the aforementioned, some names and recounts may have been amended to accommodate our vast audience. We respect each author’s strength and courage for being vulnerable, but caring enough to share and we are diligent in not altering the content of the message.

Choose Happy

Our daily lives are full of choices. The good, the bad, the happy, the sad; they are all of our choices. Therefore, I propose the time for you to Choose Happy!

Of course, this sounds much easier than it is. The understanding of the woes of life weighing heavy on our minds, make the idea of happiness seem impossible. One thing I can guarantee, there are billions who are equally or worse off than you.

In Rhonda Byrne’s, The Secret, she writes “Be grateful for what you have now. As you begin to think about all the things in your life you are grateful for, you will be amazed at the never-ending thoughts that come back to you of more things to be grateful for. You have to make a start, and then the law of attraction will receive those grateful thoughts and give you more just like them.”

Can you imagine if we could find peace and happiness with what we have than what we want? I challenge you, take a week and reflect on personal happiness. Say hello to the friend you stop talking to because of petty indifference. Volunteer some time to those less fortunate. Do a kind deed daily for a stranger.

There is a movie called “Yes Man” starring Jim Carrey; outside of hilarious, it gives a positive outlook on energy. The storyline is grounded in a guy who decided to say “yes” to everything for a year. In the year, he had a lifetime of adventures and challenges; but his outlook on life was changed forever.

Once again, take the time to be grateful for what you have and smile at the positives. You may have millions of choices in a lifetime, but you have only one life! Make your choices count, Choose Happy!

Mother’s Day… Everyday!

The day after Mother’s Day is usually a solemn one. For the celebrated mothers, it is a reminder of being back to the toils of normalcy. For those whose mothers have transitioned, the challenge of returning to work or school to hear about the ‘wonderful times with Mom’ can be excruciating.

Mothers, you are worth a daily celebration for all you do to ensure our happiness and upbringing. At times, I am often apologetic for my lackadaisical approach to showing appreciation to the matriarch of our family structure. I am blessed to have a spouse who can assist me with such a daunting feat. I can only empathize with single parents; imagining the task of raising children to be embraced by today’s society while educating them to be passionate, righteous and safe.

So this day, the day after Mother’s Day, I want to say thank you to all of the mothers of the World. Even though you too may be challenged with personal faults, you are still appreciated!

I have a special place in my heart for mothers who have to illustrate a false sense of happiness while covering wounds of depression and abuse to protect their children. Can you imagine facing a child or children who sense your pain and vulnerabilities after witnessing your abuse? The strength of Mom is immeasurable beyond belief.

Take a moment out of your day to show a mom, even if not your Mom, some appreciation for all she does. Something as simple as a phone call, a smile or words of encouragement can show a mother the love she deserves.

Four Steps to Protecting Personal Information Online

Having your personal information, like home address and phone number easily found online can leave you vulnerable to identity theft or in danger to a stalker. If you care to make the effort, there are steps to conceal information available about you in many public record databases. Most can be done quickly and inexpensively, other methods can be more costly and time consuming.

Keep in mind, it is virtually impossible to completely remove information available about yourself from public record. Some public information can be controlled, while others can not. For instance, property transactions and most court records will always be accessible to the public domain.

These efforts below are very effective, but not guaranteed. Please follow these preliminary steps listed to do the best you can to protect you and your family.

Here are four effective, but simple steps to controlling information about yourself listed on the web:

1) Open a P.O. Box for both personal mail and bills. Submit a change of address to your new post office box. This is the most effective and inexpensive thing you can do to swiftly remove your current address from a majority of “search sites” and public record databases.

2) Having an unlisted telephone number does not make your telephone number invisible to the public. This is one of the largest the misconceptions people have about having an unlisted number. Un-listing your telephone number simply keeps it out of directory assistance and white pages. The best thing you can do to control the distribution of your telephone number is to start with a new unlisted number and block caller ID information from being displayed when you place phone calls. Telephone numbers that at one time were listed, and are later unlisted, are most likely already widely distributed in the public record domain.

3) DO NOT put your name, number or personal information on any form or application without checking to reviewing their privacy policy. You will be surprised to find out how many credit card companies, banks, financial institutions and government agencies share or sell your information unless you specifically request that they do not distribute it.

4) Mail a written request to all major search sites and information suppliers requesting your information be removed. Some will comply, others will not. Most reputable companies have such a policy in place and soon will offer assistance in helping you contact information companies willing to remove your information.

Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month

Ah, February! As we eagerly anticipate the day of love, Valentine’s Day; let us not forget how many brokenhearted and abused girls there are in young relationships. This month, in addition to finding love, we encourage those to face new relationships with the ‘Love Me Pain Free’ mentality.

Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month is a national effort to raise awareness about dating violence, promote programs that support young people, and encourage communities to prevent this form of abuse with the goal of decreasing the prevalence of dating violence among young people.

Here are a few facts about Teen Dating Violence:

33% of adolescents in America are victim to sexual, physical, verbal, or emotional dating abuse.
Teens who suffer dating abuse are subject to long-term consequences like alcoholism, eating disorders, promiscuity, thoughts of suicide, and violent behavior.
In the U.S., 25% of high school girls have been abused physically or sexually. Teen girls who are abused this way are 6 times more likely to become pregnant or contract a sexually transmitted disease (STD).
50% of young people who experience rape or physical or sexual abuse will attempt to commit suicide.
Roughly 1.5 million high school boys and girls in the U.S. admit to being intentionally hit or physically harmed in the last year by someone they are romantically involved with.
1 in 5 teens in a dating relationship report being hit, slapped, or pushed by their partner.

Divas In Defense provides teens with a college preparatory, self-defense workshop. The program is called On Her Own. The course includes the twelve elements of personal safety critical for this age group, including date rape drugs, jogging safety, safe parking lot strategies, social media net-iquette, on-campus violence, cyber stalkers and more. Young women enjoy and are empowered by our ten instinctive street fighting tools we teach.

Dating Violence Resources for Young People & Parents

Break the Cycle: Empowering Youth to End Domestic Violence
Striving to engage, educate and empower youth to build lives and communities free from domestic violence.

Dating Matters: Strategies to Promote Healthy Teen Relationships
The Centers for Disease Control’s Dating Matters Initiative promotes healthy teen relationships in economically disadvantaged urban communities. The initiative includes an online training for youth workers and teachers.

Love Is Respect: National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline
Providing resources for teens, parents, friends and family, Peer Advocates, government officials, law enforcement officials and the general public.

A Thin Line
Empowering youth to stop the spread of digital abuse.

Technology Safety Planning with Survivors
Help young survivors of teen dating violence make safer decisions online with safety planning tips sheets from the National Network to End Domestic Violence. Available in English, Spanish, Chinese, Korean Vietnamese, Somali and Russian.

(Resource information courtesy of Family & Youth Services Bureau)

The Invisible War

[We’re] giving survivors for the first time a voice in the military justice process

– Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel

The military reports that more women are willing to report sexual assaults. In a new anonymous survey, it is suggested victims are becoming far more willing to file complaints than in years past.

According to the Associated Press, 1 in every 4 victims filed a report this year, in sharp contrast to 2012, when only about 1 in every 10 military victims came forward.

Before the survey results were reported, The White House believed it would increase sexual abuse in the ranks and change a culture that forces victims to keep their mouths shut.

Now roughly 60 percent of women in the military said they experienced retaliation for reporting a sexual assault, according to the new report.

The Defense Department conducted their last anonymous report in 2012 and found about 26,000 services members said they had been the victim of unwanted sexual contact — a number that stunned officials and outraged lawmakers, triggering a barrage of congressional hearings and legislative changes.

The officials said there were nearly 6,000 victims of reported assaults in 2014, compared with just over 5,500 last year. The Pentagon changed its method of accounting for the assaults this year, and now each victim counts for one report. This year, that number dropped to about 19,000 — including about 10,500 men and 8,500 women — which officials said suggested that there was a trend of sexual assaults declining.

Signs That You’re In An Abusive Relationship

Could you be in an abusive relationship and not know it? According to the Huffington Post, nearly 60 percent of all young women have experienced abuse. Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Noticing and acknowledging the signs of an abusive relationship is the first step to ending it. No one should live in fear of the person they love. If you recognize yourself or someone you know in the following warning signs and descriptions of abuse, reach out. There is help available.

The Divas In Defense Team wanted to take time out of our jolly – jolly holiday ask these questions:

Do you feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
Does your partner humiliate or yell at you?
Avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
Criticize you and put you down?
Feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
Treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
Believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
Ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
Wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
Blame you for their own abusive behavior?
Feel emotionally numb or helpless?
See you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Does your partner:
Have a bad and unpredictable temper?
Does your partner act excessively jealous and possessive?
Hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
Control where you go or what you do?
Threaten to take your children away or harm them?
Keep you from seeing your friends or family?
Threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
Limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
Force you to have sex?
Limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
Destroy your belongings?
Constantly check up on you?

Women don’t have to live in fear:
National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233

Male victims of abuse can call:
Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men & Women at 888-743-5754

For More Information:
Helpguide.org

#YesAllDaughters

As most of the nation waited anxiously for the Ferguson indictment decision on Monday, three female students and many of their classmates walked out of their Oklahoma high school yesterday afternoon. We are not just talking about their friends but hundreds of students walked out with signs and chanted “ No Justice, no class” and “ No more bullying.”

The students were protesting the school’s response to allegations of bullying of the three female students and their unfortunate rape by the same person. As in any sexual assault cases we see it is extremely hard for the victim to speak up. So to have not only one but three girls who are just in high school speak up and stand their ground is amazing.

As the hashtag #YesAll Daughters gained attention, Norman Police Department Captain Tom Easley has said the school was enlarging a task force to study the implementation of a “targeted, research-based sexual assault curriculum for students,” and that the school will continue to respond quickly to reports of sexual assault and bullying.

Of course this made me stop scrolling on my phone and read the entire article because I am someone’s daughter but this can also affect someone son. The thought of the school was not taking the allegations serious enough and the amount of online bullying that was allowed to go on for so long was outrageous. Many do not realize social media bullying is becoming present in the lives of our teenagers every day. If they are not the ones doing the cyber bullying they are the ones being bullied. It takes one tweet to change a person entire life.

While on winter break sign your Young Diva for Divas In Defense “On Her Own” Workshop December 20th, 2014:

Categorized as: domestic violence