Categorized as: safety

Four Tips To Survive COVID-19 Quarantine With My Abuser

Being confined for long periods of time can literally drive you crazy. We can all find ourselves being short-tempered, especially having to home school our own child(ren). In order for the general masses to ‘weather the storm’ many have become daily alcohol and recreational drug users. In addition, many service industry workers and others who are deemed “non-essential personnel” are not getting paid during these challenging times. Small business owners are taking loans, some government influenced loans as well; all in an effort to have livable wages due to the Coronavirus epidemic.

What COVID-19 has done is force an unprepared society into a quarantined incarceration. Imagine not only facing these challenges with a loving spouse, but with YOUR abuser! It is unfathomable some of the trauma some victims are currently facing. On top of it all, with no way to escape. So what does one do when this is their reality?

Here are Four Diva Tactics To Survive the COVID-19 Quarantine With An Abuser.

DANGER: One thing I can guarantee, intuition is a MF’er! Once your ‘Spidey Senses’ start to tingle announcing confrontation is arising, do your best to recognize the warning signs in order to respond in an expeditious manner.

DIFFUSE: Frustration can cause a sane person to become unhinged. If you recognize the warning signs of potential violence, change your tone, be encouraging and/or apologize; anything you can say or do to have a safe exit out of the room with an abuser.

DISTANCE: Once you have found a way to get away, do just that! Go in a room with a loved one. It keeps them distanced from the abuser as well. Great time to watch a Disney movie with a child or Netflix and Be Still.

DEFEND: If for any reason the first three steps do not work and abuse is imminent, it is time to defend yourself. Assess the threat level: Is there a weapon present? Where is/are the gun(s)? Who can I call? Am I the only one needing protection? Remember, anything can be a weapon! From soup cans to pots and pans; butcher knives to hot fries; electric stove coils to the razor on the aluminum foil. The number of weapons at your disposal are nearly infinite. If you have to fight back, don’t hesitate, you are worth fighting for.

Here are a few strikes you can use to escape or possibly save your life:

Defensive Stance: Stand with your legs shoulder with a part. Step straight back on your dominant leg with same distance between feet. Hold your open and relaxed hands eye-level about 8 to 12 inches from your face. Have your elbows in at your sides. Tilt your rear shoulder back to slim yourself to avoid being a wider target.

Hammer Fist: Make a fist by rolling your fingers from your fingertips into your palm. Once they are tucked nicely, lay your thumb on the bottom side of the exterior of your index finger. Ensure you are holding them tightly. Pound the nose, face or genitals with the pinky side of your fist. Scream ‘YA!’ with each strike to maintain proper breathing and acquire attention.

Knee: Grab the individual on their diagonal shoulder with both hands, pulling them down while driving your knee (toe pointed downward and knee straight forward) through their abdomen, grown or face.

#covid19 #coronavirus #domesticviolence #childabuse #victim #survivor #quarantine #noschool #lovemepainfree #SAAM #IAsk

What’s Going On With Your Teen?

Let’s admit it Mom and Dad, we barely know what our teens are doing. We attempt to do our best at raising them to avoid the same bad choices and negative experiences we faced growing up, but they have their own path to follow. On top of it all, they are our offspring; the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree after all.

Regardless of how much we create a safety bubble for our children, society finds a way to affect them… usually through entertainment.

Well, February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month! Even though we ingrain situational awareness, boundary setting, confidence building and the power of NO! to our teens; they can still be abused. I will say this, the numbers produced by the United States Department of Justice (USDOJ) states 1 in 4.5 teens in a relationship will experience some form of abuse. Abuse comes in many facets, not just physical!

Does your teen avoid past friendships because of a new relationship? Have they changed their wardrobe style to something completely different than ever before since entering a relationship? When it comes to self-esteem, is your teen feeling unattractive for the first time ever?

Also, January was Human Trafficking Awareness Month; so let’s not ignore the possibility of lack of situational awareness be a reason to lose our child to this $80 Billion industry.

Talk to your teen, have open dialogue and try your best to be nonjudgmental. You may be surprised what they are facing. Don’t let an attempt at self-harm or suicide be your wake-up call to be attentive to your teen. Pay attention to the warning signs and remember, IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOUR CHILD!

This Trauma Was Never The End Of Me

Contributor: Harlee Lowder

Is this your first time sharing your experience?

No

Have you been a victim of violence of any of the following?

Rape, Molestation

Did you know your assailant?

Yes

If so, how long before the experience?

11+ years

Did you report the experience?

Yes

Was the individual(s) convicted and sentenced?

No

Please share the details of your experience as you feel comfortable:

When I was a child, I endured the repeated molestation of my babysitter, the teenage girl next door. Years later, at 13, my father raped me and ended up going missing. A week later, he was found dead. He’s hung himself from a tree in Oklahoma where he was living at the time.

For years after, I was in and out of depression. I spent years jumping from relationship to relationship, my family dynamic was crumbling, and I was searching for purpose. Once I began expressing myself; voicing my pain and my struggles; and looking to God for guidance, my healing began. Now I am 27, full of joy and courage living my life with the strength to fully enjoy it.

This is only a snippet of my story, because what words can really express the blur we experience as survivors of such traumas? This is however MY story and I will make in known always, this trauma was never the end of me; I am alive, well and walking through each day encouraged.

How has this experience impacted you and your relationship(s) with family, friends, co-workers, etc.?

Family life was difficult in the beginning. As each person was working through the pain, now we had to come together in hopes to rebuild relationships. My friends became my family as they covered me in love and encouraged me to have hope.

Were you initially hesitant to come forward in sharing with us?

No

If so, what made you reconsider?

N/A

If you could return to a time before the experience, what advice would you tell yourself and/or your parents?

I would tell myself to take a deep breath and pray. I would tell my mother although she may not have all of the answers, just remain present. I would tell my father I loved him for the last time.

What one piece of advice for women who have experienced violence or assault?

DO NOT hesitate to stand and speak your truth.

No One Would Help Me

Contributor: Misty Cuneo (Purple Chair Talk)

Is this your first time sharing your experience?

Yes

Have you been a victim of violence of any of the following?

Domestic Violence, Rape, Molestation, Sexual Assault, Assault & Battery, Sexual Harassment, Other

Did you know your assailant?

Yes

If so, how long before the experience?

11+ years

Did you report the experience?

Yes

Was the individual(s) convicted and sentenced?

No

Please share the details of your experience as you feel comfortable:

I’m the oldest in my family. I am the only child to both my mother and father. I grew up not knowing my birth father and was raised by my stepfather.  I grew up witnessing Domestic Violence, Alcohol Abuse, etc in our home.  I was extremely abused physically, verbally, mentally, emotionally and sexually.

My first time being molested I was about 7 or 8.  The teenage neighbors would babysit. They would have me put my siblings down for a nap while I was allowed to hang out with them and their boyfriends/girlfriends.  One morning while everyone was still sleeping, one of the baby sitters came over and took me down to our basement. He said he lost something down there. While I was helping him look he laid me down, climbed on top of me and began touching me through my panties. I’d seen him make out with his girlfriend and knew it wasn’t right to be doing it to me. Right about the time he pulled out his penis one of my parents called downstairs looking for me and he got scared and went home.

Later that afternoon while sitting on the porch, I was asked me if he touched me. I turned red and started crying. I was then asked if he put anything inside of me and I just looked horrified and was crying hysterically. It was then said to me, “well I guess I have to take you to the doctor to see if he popped your cherry because I’m not having any grandchildren”.  I had no idea what they were talking about and I was never taken to the doctor or asked anything about it again.  His sister start babysitting instead.

The second time I was molested I was 12. A family friend was living with us and my parents were out of town for a family emergency.  While laying in my parents’ bed watching a scary movie I fell asleep. I was wearing a one-piece romper and woke to Him grabbing my breasts, pressing his penis up against me while trying to get my romper off. I threatened to call the neighbor and have her call my parents. I later found him trying to molest others in the family and threatened to tell on him.

When I was 16, I ran away from home for the hundredth or so time. I was sitting on a swing watching boys play basketball when I was approached by a girl coming home from school. She brought me home with her and fed me and let me shower. She introduced me to the boys which included her cousin and brother. Not only did I know where they lived, but I also knew where they worked and they would look out for me and protect me.

One night after they got off work, they came to check on me. While there, another man showed up who I thought was Satan. He was drunk and quite possibly high on something. He pressured the boys into drinking and every bit of my instincts told me to get out. There was only one door and he wouldn’t let me near it. I was staying in a 2 room concrete building and the second door was chained.

When I tried going to the door, he stood in front of me and blocked me. I’m not sure how it started, but he was telling the other guys no one was going anywhere until we had sex. They were drunk by this time also. As I tried to leave, he got more threatening and the three of them beat and raped me. I was a tiny girl but I was extremely tough and I fought like hell.  I was thrown against the wall and held by my hands and feet while they pulled my pants down and climbed on top of me. One of the boys, when it was his turn, told me during penetration that he didn’t want to hurt me and that he really liked me. I begged him to stop and make the others stop and he said he was afraid the other man would come back if he didn’t. The man that started it all did nothing but hold me down and watch them rape me and once they were finished he left.  The two boys I knew passed out cold on the concrete floor and woke up to me sitting on a bench in shock hysterically crying.  I wrote a 5 page letter explaining what happened after being punished and accused of having sex.  I was sent to a Psychiatrist without another word about it.

I left home at 17 and became a nanny for one of my friend’s neighbors. She was an alcoholic and drug addict. She used to have parties and orgies and would make me “Date” whichever of the men were interested in me at the time.  I remember one man being twice my age and he would make me have sex even while I was bleeding. I bled so bad once during sex I thought he killed me. A couple of days later I had a miscarriage.

I left when I was 18, met a guy and married him out of pressure. I didn’t know at the time, I had Endometriosis and sex was the most painful thing I ever experienced. My husband didn’t care.  I was told it was my wifely duty and I didn’t know any better, so I would lay there and cry. There were times I would be paralyzed and couldn’t move or speak due to all the trauma I experienced by then. I even tried committing suicide, but he found me and called an ambulance. I divorced him 2 years later.

Around 1995 or 96 I met a guy who lived around the corner from me. We started hanging out and I was renting a room in a house with other people. We were sitting outside talking and he went in my room to cool down or take a nap. I was fixing lunch and he called me into the room and told me I had to have sex with him.

I told him to go home and he jumped up and starting punching me and beating me. I got to the door and screamed for help. He then locked the door and started beating my head, body, and face with his shoe. I had been beaten my whole life along with witnessing violence in my home, so I never thought I would ever allow a man to put his hands on me like that. One thing I learned quickly… no one was going to help me.

I moved 9 times in one year and had him arrested I don’t know how many times.  The people closest to me always told him where to find me. This went on for a year and a half. Once he beat me so bad with a wire hanger I looked like the Elephant Man. Again no one would protect me. I worked 2 jobs so I wouldn’t have to go home. I would get beat in the middle of the street if he wanted money or thought I was looking at someone or talking to them.

A few months after I left him, I ran into an ex I had dated a few years before. I had no clue at that time he was HIV Positive and none of the people that knew told me.  Everything was great in the beginning and one day he snapped while we were in the car. Accusing me of flirting with his stepdad and threatening to kill us both while driving like a maniac before he put a gun to my head. I was held hostage in my car and my home.

He would take my car, stay out all night, come home in the morning to make me have sex with him and drop me off at work. Once we pulled into the parking lot of my job and as I went to get out he punched my head so hard it hit the window and took me home, raped me and dropped me back off at work. Again, no one would help me. This abuse went on for a year before my company moved me to another state.   All of this happened to me by the time I was 30.

How has this experience impacted you and your relationship(s) with family, friends, co-workers, etc.?

I don’t know how to have a real relationship with anyone. I don’t allow people to get too close or personal. I keep everyone at arm’s length and have no problem walking away without a word.  I’ve spent my life running and burying my pain because I was always told I wasn’t allowed to show emotion or feel anything. I lived my entire life feeling like I was never good enough, pretty enough, smart enough or worthy of love.  This is what I was told by those that were there to protect me and whom I trusted.

I don’t allow myself to truly love and don’t have a clue as to what healthy love is. It’s made me put everyone’s needs before mine and I’ve spent my life in relationships with men I could control relatively. I was taught from a very young age that sex is all men want and all I have to give them. I suffer from PTSD and Complex Trauma.

Were you initially hesitant to come forward in sharing with us?

Yes

If so, what made you reconsider?

I want to do everything in my power to help others and let them know it’s not their fault.

If you could return to a time before the experience, what advice would you tell yourself and/or your parents?

I would tell my father to leave me in the orphanage and let me be adopted by the Doctor and his wife who wanted me.

What one piece of advice for women who have experienced violence or assault?

There is NOTHING you did or said to deserve ANYTHING that’s been done to you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! There is help and you are worth more than DIAMONDS AND GOLD!! YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THE LIES YOU WERE TOLD AND BELIEVE!!

Due to the sensitivity of the aforementioned, some names and recounts may have been amended to accommodate our vast audience. We respect each author’s strength and courage for being vulnerable, but caring enough to share and we are diligent in not altering the content of the message.

Choose Happy

Our daily lives are full of choices. The good, the bad, the happy, the sad; they are all of our choices. Therefore, I propose the time for you to Choose Happy!

Of course, this sounds much easier than it is. The understanding of the woes of life weighing heavy on our minds, make the idea of happiness seem impossible. One thing I can guarantee, there are billions who are equally or worse off than you.

In Rhonda Byrne’s, The Secret, she writes “Be grateful for what you have now. As you begin to think about all the things in your life you are grateful for, you will be amazed at the never-ending thoughts that come back to you of more things to be grateful for. You have to make a start, and then the law of attraction will receive those grateful thoughts and give you more just like them.”

Can you imagine if we could find peace and happiness with what we have than what we want? I challenge you, take a week and reflect on personal happiness. Say hello to the friend you stop talking to because of petty indifference. Volunteer some time to those less fortunate. Do a kind deed daily for a stranger.

There is a movie called “Yes Man” starring Jim Carrey; outside of hilarious, it gives a positive outlook on energy. The storyline is grounded in a guy who decided to say “yes” to everything for a year. In the year, he had a lifetime of adventures and challenges; but his outlook on life was changed forever.

Once again, take the time to be grateful for what you have and smile at the positives. You may have millions of choices in a lifetime, but you have only one life! Make your choices count, Choose Happy!

Mother’s Day… Everyday!

The day after Mother’s Day is usually a solemn one. For the celebrated mothers, it is a reminder of being back to the toils of normalcy. For those whose mothers have transitioned, the challenge of returning to work or school to hear about the ‘wonderful times with Mom’ can be excruciating.

Mothers, you are worth a daily celebration for all you do to ensure our happiness and upbringing. At times, I am often apologetic for my lackadaisical approach to showing appreciation to the matriarch of our family structure. I am blessed to have a spouse who can assist me with such a daunting feat. I can only empathize with single parents; imagining the task of raising children to be embraced by today’s society while educating them to be passionate, righteous and safe.

So this day, the day after Mother’s Day, I want to say thank you to all of the mothers of the World. Even though you too may be challenged with personal faults, you are still appreciated!

I have a special place in my heart for mothers who have to illustrate a false sense of happiness while covering wounds of depression and abuse to protect their children. Can you imagine facing a child or children who sense your pain and vulnerabilities after witnessing your abuse? The strength of Mom is immeasurable beyond belief.

Take a moment out of your day to show a mom, even if not your Mom, some appreciation for all she does. Something as simple as a phone call, a smile or words of encouragement can show a mother the love she deserves.

Seven Safety Tips for Runners

Whether you are an avid runner or preparing for an upcoming 5K or 10K for a cause, it is important for you to always keep your safety at the forefront of your routine. Here are seven simple safety tips to ensure your safety on your run.

CHECK IN. Make sure you inform someone of your run time(s) and estimated ending time. Letting others know and checking in with them relives the worry.

WHO YOU GONNA CALL? Different situations present themselves often. For your safety, a cellular phone is detrimental in case of emergency.

BE SEEN. It is imperative in both day and night running to be visible to others, especially drivers. Be cognizant about your running outfit’s ability to be seen in high and low light conditions. Always assume drivers can not see you, therefore go out of your way to be seen.

HEAR ME NOW? Unplug at least one, if not both, of your ears from headphones when running. Considering your hearing gives you a completely different perspective of your surroundings, you will be more likely to recognize impending dangers by listening.

I SEE YOU! If you are running near moving vehicles, it is best to run facing traffic. This gives you an opportunity to avoid being run over by seeing if drivers are paying attention or driving erratically.

SAVE A LITTLE BIT. Keep in mind, if you are attacked you may have to run and/or fight back. Do not exhaust yourself where you will be unable to do either. When leaving it all on the track, store a little reservation for the just in case situation.

STICKS AND STONES DO BREAK BONES. When running, it would be best to have a weapon of some sort to defend your self against potential attackers and animal attacks. The Too Hot To Trot is a non-evasive pepper spray for runners and the Knuckle Up allows you to be electrifying with a runner-friendly stun gun. The Brutus and the Attitude Adjuster both are designed for easy hauling while running.

Divas In Defense Partners With City of Atlanta Fire & Rescue

The City of Atlanta Fire Rescue Department (AFRD) will host its annual Open House on Saturday, June 18, from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. All fire stations across the City of Atlanta will open to the public, giving visitors the opportunity to meet their firefighters and tour the station house. We will be located at Station No. 9 in the City of Atlanta and will offer programs and activities, including fire safety education, preventive health screenings, car seat safety workshops, smoke detector giveaways, food and music for participants.

Atlanta residents and visitors are always welcome to visit an Atlanta Fire Rescue Station for blood pressure screenings and emergency medical services 24-hours a day.

For more information about the City of Atlanta, please visit http://www.atlantaga.gov. Follow the City of Atlanta on Facebook and Twitter @CityofAtlanta. Follow Mayor Reed on Facebook and Twitter @Kasim Reed

#DivasInDefense #CommunityPartner #PartnerWithPurpose #AtlantaFireDepartment #DivasInDefenseCares #MLKFireStation #June18 #Fierce #Fabulous #Divas #DID #OnTheScene

Summer Bully

It’s the last day of school, and you’re thinking, “Maybe my child can finally rest, no more bullying.” WRONG! Unfortunately, the summer is prime bullying season, the difference is those kids’ parents are your friends. Yes, there is a bully in your neighborhood! In some aspect, you are wrong for not realizing it.

Unlike the constant supervision in school, most kids in the neighborhood play hours unsupervised. This subjects your child to endless hours of demeaning and often physical attacks. Then, we ignore our children when we decide to visit our neighbors for dinner; placing them right in the belly of the beast. We have to pay attention to  our siblings; the breath of our bosom, the fruit of our loins, the chip off the block.

Character.org states:

“Repeated bullying causes severe emotional harm and can erode a child’s self-esteem and mental health. Whether bullying is verbal, physical or relational, the long-term effects are equally harmful. Both boys and girls report high levels of emotional distress and loneliness as well as lower self-esteem, loneliness, anxiety, and depression.”

Here are a few warning signs that your child may have a Summer Bully:

  • Unexplained physical marks, cuts, bruises, and scrapes
  • Clothes, toys, books, electronic items are damaged or missing or child reports mysteriously “losing” possessions
  • Doesn’t want to go to activities with peers
  • Marked change in typical behavior or personality
  • Appears sad, moody, angry, anxious or depressed and that mood lasts with no known cause
  • Physical complaints; headaches and stomach aches
  • Difficulty sleeping, nightmares, cries self to sleep, bed wetting
  • Change in eating habits

Remember, just because school has ended doesn’t mean the bullying has! For more information on bullying, visit divasindefense.com/victim-resources.

Four Steps to Protecting Personal Information Online

Having your personal information, like home address and phone number easily found online can leave you vulnerable to identity theft or in danger to a stalker. If you care to make the effort, there are steps to conceal information available about you in many public record databases. Most can be done quickly and inexpensively, other methods can be more costly and time consuming.

Keep in mind, it is virtually impossible to completely remove information available about yourself from public record. Some public information can be controlled, while others can not. For instance, property transactions and most court records will always be accessible to the public domain.

These efforts below are very effective, but not guaranteed. Please follow these preliminary steps listed to do the best you can to protect you and your family.

Here are four effective, but simple steps to controlling information about yourself listed on the web:

1) Open a P.O. Box for both personal mail and bills. Submit a change of address to your new post office box. This is the most effective and inexpensive thing you can do to swiftly remove your current address from a majority of “search sites” and public record databases.

2) Having an unlisted telephone number does not make your telephone number invisible to the public. This is one of the largest the misconceptions people have about having an unlisted number. Un-listing your telephone number simply keeps it out of directory assistance and white pages. The best thing you can do to control the distribution of your telephone number is to start with a new unlisted number and block caller ID information from being displayed when you place phone calls. Telephone numbers that at one time were listed, and are later unlisted, are most likely already widely distributed in the public record domain.

3) DO NOT put your name, number or personal information on any form or application without checking to reviewing their privacy policy. You will be surprised to find out how many credit card companies, banks, financial institutions and government agencies share or sell your information unless you specifically request that they do not distribute it.

4) Mail a written request to all major search sites and information suppliers requesting your information be removed. Some will comply, others will not. Most reputable companies have such a policy in place and soon will offer assistance in helping you contact information companies willing to remove your information.

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