Tagged as: sexual assault

No One Would Help Me

Contributor: Misty Cuneo (Purple Chair Talk)

Is this your first time sharing your experience?

Yes

Have you been a victim of violence of any of the following?

Domestic Violence, Rape, Molestation, Sexual Assault, Assault & Battery, Sexual Harassment, Other

Did you know your assailant?

Yes

If so, how long before the experience?

11+ years

Did you report the experience?

Yes

Was the individual(s) convicted and sentenced?

No

Please share the details of your experience as you feel comfortable:

I’m the oldest in my family. I am the only child to both my mother and father. I grew up not knowing my birth father and was raised by my stepfather.  I grew up witnessing Domestic Violence, Alcohol Abuse, etc in our home.  I was extremely abused physically, verbally, mentally, emotionally and sexually.

My first time being molested I was about 7 or 8.  The teenage neighbors would babysit. They would have me put my siblings down for a nap while I was allowed to hang out with them and their boyfriends/girlfriends.  One morning while everyone was still sleeping, one of the baby sitters came over and took me down to our basement. He said he lost something down there. While I was helping him look he laid me down, climbed on top of me and began touching me through my panties. I’d seen him make out with his girlfriend and knew it wasn’t right to be doing it to me. Right about the time he pulled out his penis one of my parents called downstairs looking for me and he got scared and went home.

Later that afternoon while sitting on the porch, I was asked me if he touched me. I turned red and started crying. I was then asked if he put anything inside of me and I just looked horrified and was crying hysterically. It was then said to me, “well I guess I have to take you to the doctor to see if he popped your cherry because I’m not having any grandchildren”.  I had no idea what they were talking about and I was never taken to the doctor or asked anything about it again.  His sister start babysitting instead.

The second time I was molested I was 12. A family friend was living with us and my parents were out of town for a family emergency.  While laying in my parents’ bed watching a scary movie I fell asleep. I was wearing a one-piece romper and woke to Him grabbing my breasts, pressing his penis up against me while trying to get my romper off. I threatened to call the neighbor and have her call my parents. I later found him trying to molest others in the family and threatened to tell on him.

When I was 16, I ran away from home for the hundredth or so time. I was sitting on a swing watching boys play basketball when I was approached by a girl coming home from school. She brought me home with her and fed me and let me shower. She introduced me to the boys which included her cousin and brother. Not only did I know where they lived, but I also knew where they worked and they would look out for me and protect me.

One night after they got off work, they came to check on me. While there, another man showed up who I thought was Satan. He was drunk and quite possibly high on something. He pressured the boys into drinking and every bit of my instincts told me to get out. There was only one door and he wouldn’t let me near it. I was staying in a 2 room concrete building and the second door was chained.

When I tried going to the door, he stood in front of me and blocked me. I’m not sure how it started, but he was telling the other guys no one was going anywhere until we had sex. They were drunk by this time also. As I tried to leave, he got more threatening and the three of them beat and raped me. I was a tiny girl but I was extremely tough and I fought like hell.  I was thrown against the wall and held by my hands and feet while they pulled my pants down and climbed on top of me. One of the boys, when it was his turn, told me during penetration that he didn’t want to hurt me and that he really liked me. I begged him to stop and make the others stop and he said he was afraid the other man would come back if he didn’t. The man that started it all did nothing but hold me down and watch them rape me and once they were finished he left.  The two boys I knew passed out cold on the concrete floor and woke up to me sitting on a bench in shock hysterically crying.  I wrote a 5 page letter explaining what happened after being punished and accused of having sex.  I was sent to a Psychiatrist without another word about it.

I left home at 17 and became a nanny for one of my friend’s neighbors. She was an alcoholic and drug addict. She used to have parties and orgies and would make me “Date” whichever of the men were interested in me at the time.  I remember one man being twice my age and he would make me have sex even while I was bleeding. I bled so bad once during sex I thought he killed me. A couple of days later I had a miscarriage.

I left when I was 18, met a guy and married him out of pressure. I didn’t know at the time, I had Endometriosis and sex was the most painful thing I ever experienced. My husband didn’t care.  I was told it was my wifely duty and I didn’t know any better, so I would lay there and cry. There were times I would be paralyzed and couldn’t move or speak due to all the trauma I experienced by then. I even tried committing suicide, but he found me and called an ambulance. I divorced him 2 years later.

Around 1995 or 96 I met a guy who lived around the corner from me. We started hanging out and I was renting a room in a house with other people. We were sitting outside talking and he went in my room to cool down or take a nap. I was fixing lunch and he called me into the room and told me I had to have sex with him.

I told him to go home and he jumped up and starting punching me and beating me. I got to the door and screamed for help. He then locked the door and started beating my head, body, and face with his shoe. I had been beaten my whole life along with witnessing violence in my home, so I never thought I would ever allow a man to put his hands on me like that. One thing I learned quickly… no one was going to help me.

I moved 9 times in one year and had him arrested I don’t know how many times.  The people closest to me always told him where to find me. This went on for a year and a half. Once he beat me so bad with a wire hanger I looked like the Elephant Man. Again no one would protect me. I worked 2 jobs so I wouldn’t have to go home. I would get beat in the middle of the street if he wanted money or thought I was looking at someone or talking to them.

A few months after I left him, I ran into an ex I had dated a few years before. I had no clue at that time he was HIV Positive and none of the people that knew told me.  Everything was great in the beginning and one day he snapped while we were in the car. Accusing me of flirting with his stepdad and threatening to kill us both while driving like a maniac before he put a gun to my head. I was held hostage in my car and my home.

He would take my car, stay out all night, come home in the morning to make me have sex with him and drop me off at work. Once we pulled into the parking lot of my job and as I went to get out he punched my head so hard it hit the window and took me home, raped me and dropped me back off at work. Again, no one would help me. This abuse went on for a year before my company moved me to another state.   All of this happened to me by the time I was 30.

How has this experience impacted you and your relationship(s) with family, friends, co-workers, etc.?

I don’t know how to have a real relationship with anyone. I don’t allow people to get too close or personal. I keep everyone at arm’s length and have no problem walking away without a word.  I’ve spent my life running and burying my pain because I was always told I wasn’t allowed to show emotion or feel anything. I lived my entire life feeling like I was never good enough, pretty enough, smart enough or worthy of love.  This is what I was told by those that were there to protect me and whom I trusted.

I don’t allow myself to truly love and don’t have a clue as to what healthy love is. It’s made me put everyone’s needs before mine and I’ve spent my life in relationships with men I could control relatively. I was taught from a very young age that sex is all men want and all I have to give them. I suffer from PTSD and Complex Trauma.

Were you initially hesitant to come forward in sharing with us?

Yes

If so, what made you reconsider?

I want to do everything in my power to help others and let them know it’s not their fault.

If you could return to a time before the experience, what advice would you tell yourself and/or your parents?

I would tell my father to leave me in the orphanage and let me be adopted by the Doctor and his wife who wanted me.

What one piece of advice for women who have experienced violence or assault?

There is NOTHING you did or said to deserve ANYTHING that’s been done to you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! There is help and you are worth more than DIAMONDS AND GOLD!! YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THE LIES YOU WERE TOLD AND BELIEVE!!

Due to the sensitivity of the aforementioned, some names and recounts may have been amended to accommodate our vast audience. We respect each author’s strength and courage for being vulnerable, but caring enough to share and we are diligent in not altering the content of the message.

Darling Nicky

Survivor: Cole Parker

Cole Parker at 8 years old.

Is this your first time sharing your experience?

No.

Have you been a victim of violence of any of the following?

Rape, Molestation

Did you know your assailant?

Yes

If so, how long before the experience?

2 – 5 years

Did you report the experience?

No

Was the individual(s) convicted and sentenced?

No

Please share the details of your experience as you feel comfortable:

Raising a child as a single mother, the assistance of the community is recommended to lighten the load of parenting. For me, it was no different. By this time, I had been a professional latchkey kid for years. The difference was my mother was married at the time and my step father came home at 4:15 EVERY DAY!

Within a year of their divorce, it was quickly realized my mother coming home at 5:30-ish left too much time for me to be mischievous. This is when our next door neighbors offered their assistance. Our next door neighbors had a daughter named Nicky, who took a liking to me as many teen girls do little kids. She would buy me candy from the “candy man” (if you didn’t have a community candy store, you DID NOT live in the Hood), she would watch cartoons with me, she would compliment my drawings and so much more. Why not let Nicky watch me?

I remember the first time sitting in her room, there was this picture of Prince on the wall with this feather-style hairdo. He was naked, but covering up his “manly” parts. I can honestly say, this is what I remember the most. His eyes were so judgmental and it freaked me out. Nicky would bake me chocolate chip cookies, which is still my favorite dessert, and serve them to me hot with some cold milk. My mouth is salivating thinking about some cookies now.

Everyday when she got home from school, which was like 3:30, she would knock on the door to get me after she got off the bus. Her bus stop was in front of the house, so I eagerly anticipated her bus arriving everyday. This went on for some weeks.

The first thing I recall, which would definitely be deemed inappropriate for one of my children, was Nicky asking me have I ever kissed a girl. I remember being disgusted by the girls in school drowning me with kisses during ‘Catch A Boy, Kiss A Boy’ where a group of girls would go after me, Calvin Mays and Willie Wheeler. Of course, this didn’t leave an interest for me; but I wanted didn’t want to seem like a “baby” so I hid my disgust and replied, “No.”

At this moment, Nicky instructed me to close my eyes and pucker up. I did as asked without hesitation. Nicky wasn’t cute to me then, but she was so nice to me I practically would have done anything not to disappoint her. I remember her kissing me and I went straight back to eating my cookies. She asked what I thought about it, with a full mouth I shook my head to signal my approval.

It was at this moment when Nicky told me it was our little secret, which was easy because I didn’t want her to blow the lid on all these cookies I ate before dinner. This was the beginning. Over the next couple of days, the kissing became our greeting and the cookies kept on coming. Fast forward about a week or two…

I came to the house and entered Nicky’s room, freaked out by the picture of Prince; Nicky told me she found something she wanted me to see. It was a VHS tape! I was in awe, we didn’t have a VCR in our house so I was curious to see what it did. I patiently waited for Nicky to connect the VCR to her TV, all the while eating my cookies. Once connected, I remember her turning around and looking at me. She said, “You are not supposed to see this, if you tell anyone we can go to jail.” JAIL? I thought, but this was Nicky so I knew she had my best interest in mind.

Growing up around women, I remember seeing breasts and booty. Being I was 9, my mother and aunts just started being discreet with their bodies by attempting to shield themselves. Therefore when the movie started, I wasn’t taken aback by the fact the woman was topless. They were just breasts! This is when a man walked into the frame.

I sat there eating my cookies and drinking my milk, now puzzled by this movie. The man and the woman kissed. This is when Nicky took my plate and my glass of milk, placing it on her bed side, night stand. She asked me to do what the man on the video did. Okay, I remember thinking. If this is what you want and you give me back my cookies… sure thing.

It started with tongue kissing, I thought it was weird because I hadn’t brushed my teeth since the morning; but it is what Nicky wanted. Then she took off her shirt exposing her breasts. The man in the video started licking her breasts, so I mimicked him trying to please her to get back to my cookies. She moaned and groaned like the lady in the video, so I felt like an actor. I repeated some of the stuff he said and we continued.

Within a few minutes, the lady unbuttoned the man’s pants and took him into her mouth. Nicky did the same. I recall looking disgusted like… Pee-Pee comes out this thing. But, I didn’t want to upset her so I complied. I don’t remember enjoying it, but I know it did give me some arousal. How? Because the next scene he entered her with his penis.

All I could think about was, how long is this? I think my cookies are cold and my milk is warm. Yet, we continued. I don’t remember how long it lasted, but I would assume a few minutes. She made me vow to not say a word or I may never see her again, let alone never get anymore pre-dinner cookies. My lips remained sealed.

This went on over a few months, during this time we had seen and recreated at least 15 different movies. Everything from oral to vaginal penetration. It became something I knew I had to do to get my cookies (no pun intended). I can honestly admit, this may have continued for years if she didn’t move. By now, my mother was pregnant with my younger brother so I chalked the experience up as mutual curiosity.

I never really looked at myself as being molested, although my wife, past girlfriends and friends have always said I was. It was the #SurvivingRKelly docu-series which has forced me to come to the realization that I too am a Survivor.

Although, I wouldn’t recognize Nicky if she walked up to me today. I will always remember how Prince looked at me in judgment every time I had “cookies” with my darling, Nicky!

How has this experience impacted you and your relationship(s) with family, friends, co-workers, etc.?

To be honest, I think it made me have an insatiable appetite for sex. In middle school, boys would grab girls butts and things. I remember thinking, what is the purpose? It may have had an impact on the way I love also. I love hard and fast.

Were you initially hesitant to come forward in sharing with us?

Yes

If so, what made you reconsider?

I own a self-defense company called Divas In Defense. I deal with a lot of violence against women, so I kind of dismissed my experience as curiosity. The hype around the docu-series, Surviving R. Kelly, reminded me of how innocent I was as well as willing to sell out myself for cookies. I went to a cigar bar with a couple of friends who described their abuse as well. This is when I realized, wait… I was molested! On January 13, 2019, I posted on Facebook a simple post about being molested by my babysitter and realized it is a dilemma. If it happened to us, so many men in my immediate circle… #WhoElse

If you could return to a time before the experience, what advice would you tell yourself and/or your parents?

First of all, I would tell myself I am worth more than hot cookies and cold milk. I would advise my mother to pay attention to my body language and things of that nature. I remember once I was masturbating with spit from my mouth. My mother walked in like, why does it smell like spit in here? Ashamed, I shrugged my shoulders and let her finish yelling before she stormed out. I wish she inquired a little more.

What one piece of advice for women who have experienced violence or assault?

When I originally came up with the questions for this, I was being gender specific about women who experienced abuse. I teach women self-defense, why focus on men I thought. I was wrong!

The one piece of advice I would have for ANYONE who experienced violence or assault is… If you feel the need to hide or be bribed to keep something secretive, it should probably be brought to light.

Due to the sensitivity of the aforementioned, some names and recounts may have been amended to accommodate our vast audience. We respect each author’s strength and courage for being vulnerable, but caring enough to share and we are diligent in not altering the content of the message.

America’s Dad… The Predator!

What a way to end Sexual Assault Awareness Month…

The man who cultivated a culture and entire generation of African-Americans to excel in education and family, was secretly a predator of women. Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable…The Voice of Fat Albert… Mr. Jell-O Pudding Pops…a Rapist! I remember being a teenager with no interest in college being raised by a single mother thinking, WOW! The Cosby Show gave me the possibility of a complete Black family unit with two successful parents. Soon to follow, A Different World, which set the fire for me to be one of the first in my family to go to college.

What is the world coming to? I can honestly tell you, the World has been here for quite some time:

  • Every 98 seconds, a woman is a victim of attack.
  • 600 women are sexually assaulted daily.
  • One in five women have been raped in their lifetime.
  • Nearly half of rape victims were assaulted by an acquaintance.

“This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.” – Polonius (Hamlet)

I am sick and tired of the excuses people use for their personal demons and shortcomings. Bill Cosby has been tried and convicted of assaulting three women. THREE WOMEN! This does not count those who feared coming forward, were paid to remain silent or did not get their chance in court. As much as I am happy for his many contributions to children, I am equally disappointed for his victimization of women.

These attacks are completely and utterly inexcusable! This was not an isolated occurrence. The #MeToo movement has proven there are many voices who remain unheard.

Dr. Cosby, for you to act like you are the victim here, I have only one thing to say about you…

“You’re like school on Saturday: NO CLASS!” – Rudy (Fat Albert & The Cosby Kids)

#LoveMePainFree #MeToo #SexualAssaultAwarenessMonth #Rape #SexualAssault

The Invisible War

[We’re] giving survivors for the first time a voice in the military justice process

– Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel

The military reports that more women are willing to report sexual assaults. In a new anonymous survey, it is suggested victims are becoming far more willing to file complaints than in years past.

According to the Associated Press, 1 in every 4 victims filed a report this year, in sharp contrast to 2012, when only about 1 in every 10 military victims came forward.

Before the survey results were reported, The White House believed it would increase sexual abuse in the ranks and change a culture that forces victims to keep their mouths shut.

Now roughly 60 percent of women in the military said they experienced retaliation for reporting a sexual assault, according to the new report.

The Defense Department conducted their last anonymous report in 2012 and found about 26,000 services members said they had been the victim of unwanted sexual contact — a number that stunned officials and outraged lawmakers, triggering a barrage of congressional hearings and legislative changes.

The officials said there were nearly 6,000 victims of reported assaults in 2014, compared with just over 5,500 last year. The Pentagon changed its method of accounting for the assaults this year, and now each victim counts for one report. This year, that number dropped to about 19,000 — including about 10,500 men and 8,500 women — which officials said suggested that there was a trend of sexual assaults declining.

Give A Potential Attacker the Finger!

“It’s like a blue light in the palm of your hand.”

With attacks on unsuspecting victims popping up left and right, it’s always boggled my mind that there hasn’t been a way to immediately and discreetly contact the police vs. calling 911 outright. The latter is a dead give away to any potential aggressor that you’ve called for help. With all the modern technology out there, I thought, why can’t people somehow TEXT 911?

While mobile phones have helped a lot of people escape dangerous situations that are detrimental to personal safety and well-being; smartphones have tried to take it to the next level. I’m not armed with data or analytical insight here but in general, smartphones have not been a radical addition to this security issue. There are apps which help you alert the cops and your friends when you are in danger. SafeTrek is one such app, a very ingenious one at that. SafeTrek promises to significantly enhance student safety by augmenting the infrequently-used “blue light” emergency phone systems on many college campuses.

SafeTrek is a security app for the iPhone and Android. It’s a very simple app which – when used and triggered – will alert the cops silently with a danger-alert tagged with your current location. When you feel unsafe, all you have to do is tap and release a button on the app. The Safe Trek system includes an app where students worried about their safety can hold down a large virtual button that causes the phone to vibrate and the screen to animate. If the user doesn’t input a private PIN within ten seconds, the local police dispatcher receives a web alert that tracks the student’s path on a map. The dispatcher and student can exchange text messages or speak directly until the situation is resolved

Many lives have been saved because of SafeTrek. Whether a user is walking down an alley late at night or hears a strange noise in his/her own home, SafeTrek offers a guarantee of security when the user might not be able to call the police on their own.

Designed to beat the time it takes to dial 911 and send your SOS message, SafeTrek started as a small project but has found some widespread success. The app works very simply:

If you feel unsafe – say, when you are out in the night or going through deserted streets with suspicious folks strolling around – open the app and press-and-hold on the Safe button.
• After you are out of the unsafe zone and are sure that you are safe, remove your finger from the button and enter a PIN to cancel the alarm system which will send a message to the authorities.
• In case you are in an emergency, all you do is remove the finger from the Safe button. In ten seconds, if you don’t do anything, the SOS will be sent and your location will be tracked/monitored constantly.
• You can cancel the alert in ten seconds.

You Can’t Do What You Want, It’s My Body

Let me tell you a story of a bi-sexual woman who exudes sexuality; and two men: one accused of possession of child pornography and molestation of under aged girls; and the other sexual exploitation and coercion of young women. Seems like the brewing of a report on eyewitness news.

Well, this is what happened when you get Lady Gaga, R. Kelly and Terry Richardson to do an Advertisement for Rape “collaborative project” called, “Do What You Want With My Body.”

According to the reports, Gaga asked Kelly, “Will I ever be able to walk again?” and he replied, “Yes, if you let me do whatever I want with your body. I’m putting you under, and when you wake up, you’re going to be pregnant.” The video clip of the pulled music video posted by TMZ (see video clip here) depicts a young unconscious woman as a playground for sexual exploitation.

Unfortunately, date rape drugs such as rohypnol, GHB and Ketamine makes this video depiction a real-life situation for too many young ladies. As an Atlanta resident, I am embarrassed that we are ranked No. 1 for Sex Trafficking and at the bottom of the spectrum for high school dropouts.

Here are a few ways to protect yourself from being a victim:

– Keep your drinks with you at all times.

– Don’t accept drinks unless they’re delivered by bar staff.

– Pay attention to the way you feel.

– Use methods of detecting the presence of date rape drugs, like DrinkSavvy, a company which designed a cup to detect date rape drugs.

Justice For All

The month of May quietly, but swiftly, sneaked up on us. April brought us Sexual Assault Awareness Month as well as several interesting stories hovering through the news. In the last few days of April, 55 colleges throughout the U.S were named by the Department of Education as being under investigation for sexual assaults under Title IX. According to Title IX, “No person in the United States shall, on the basis of sex, be excluded from participation in, be denied the benefits of, or be subjected to discrimination under any education program or activity receiving federal financial assistance.” Many of the colleges listed are some of the most prestigious schools in the country such as Vanderbilt University, Princeton University, Harvard College, and University of Southern California, to name a few. This is a huge step in the right direction seeing as one out of every four college females claims they survived an attempted or completed sexual assault during their time at a campus. It’s wonderful to see the most influential leaders of our country stepping up for women all across the country.  Even some celebrities are raising their voices on the issue:

Another recent development is the abduction of more than 250 school girls from a school in Nigeria. The world waits, holding its breath, to find out if these poor girls are safe. An Islamic terrorist group, Boko Haram, claimed responsibility for the kidnappings. What can you do to help? Get on Twitter and use the hashtag #BringBackOurGirls to raise awareness on the subject and to give some comfort to the victim’s families that you support them and hope for their daughter’s/sister’s/friend’s safe return. It may not seem like a lot, but the families of these girls, who might even be your age, need your support and love.

Know Your Limits, Be Prepared

It’s crazy that the month of April is already here, huh? The bees are buzzing, flowers are blooming, and the trees seem to look less and less naked each day.  While April is one of my favorite months of the year because of its natural beauty, I also realized that it is Sexual Assault Awareness month.  According to https://www.rainn.org/statistics, “80% of sexual assault victims are under age 30.” That’s FOUR out of every FIVE people who have been through an attempted or completed assault by age 30.  When I think about all the things I want to accomplish by that time, I can’t imagine a sexual assault getting in the way.  Even if you have never been through something so traumatic, someone you know has.  Here are some tips to prevent and lessen your chances of sexual assault:

  • Avoid drinking/doing drugs at parties.  You don’t want your common sense to be hindered.

  • Be aware that many sexual assaults occur even when the victim knows the perpetrator.

  • Never leave cups of alcohol unattended at parties, as perpetrators may see this as an opportunity to slip a drug called Rohipnol, or roofies, into the drink unsuspectingly.

Remember that if you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted you can talk to a friend, parent, counselor, or police about the incident.  If you’d rather keep it private or need advice on how to take the next step, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-4673.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. This is a time for us to come together as a community to promote awareness of Domestic Violence. This is not a problem for one woman but for many women in our communities. Domestic Violence does not discriminate but affects every socioeconomic status and culture and is the leading cause of injury for women. Take this opportunity to stand up for those that have lost their lives in preventing Domestic Violence from happening to others. Here are a few ways that you can join the movement and take a stand.

1.  Empower yourself. Empower yourself and your loved ones with the facts about Domestic Violence and how they can help. Click here for more information.

2.  Participate in local Domestic Violence Awareness events. Check local listings for Domestic Violence Awareness events in your area and volunteer for these events.

3. Purple ribbon campaign. The purple ribbon is the recognized ribbon for Domestic Violence. Wear and distribute purple ribbons to friends, family and leaders in your community.

4. Purple Purse Campaign. Join AllState and YWCA Purple Purse Campaign.

5. Conduct a cell phone drive. Join Verizon by joining their HopeLine campaign. Donate your no longer used phone to a Verizon Wireless Store or through the mail. Click here to learn more.

6.  Donate. Donate monetary gifts, gift cards or hygiene items to a local Domestic Violence shelters in your area. Many victims of domestic violence leave their homes without proper funding, hygiene and clothes for their family.

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